


Like the Way Life Scattered

by yurishika



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Band Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-10 09:59:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5581429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yurishika/pseuds/yurishika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Denis knows and wants in life is music, even if his mother thinks passion can’t help pay the bills. When Alex invites him to join his band, it was an offer he can’t refuse. But when feelings between them start to develop, will both their passions clash?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Track 01. The Reunion

_I wonder where you are_  
_I wonder if you think about me_  
 _Once upon a time_  
 _In your wildest dreams_

“So, are you game for a reunion concert with Outside Edge?”

Denis doesn’t know how it had come to this. He was doing fine at work, thinking of how to balance those goddamn assets with those goddamn liabilities and equity even over lunch. He barely recognized the person behind him in line until he hears his name being called. It turned out, the man behind him is Daisuke Takahashi, no one else but his former manager.

Now, Denis used to be in a band. He was young, in search of what he really wants to do. He was the lead vocal and the guitarist, and Daisuke used to be his manager. But that was three years ago. Now, Denis knows the difference between passion and practicality. Passion can only take you so far, but practicality can help you survive for a day and, if he works hard enough, for years.

Nevertheless, he was glad to see Daisuke anyway. He ditched his co-workers so he can have lunch with Daisuke by the benches, and they caught up on life. Denis told him about how boring his work was, and settled on listening to Daisuke’s stories. He still works in the record company, making artists the great and famous people they are now.

But time is short, and Denis had to go. Daisuke, though, thought they still have a lot to catch up on and asked if he wanted to have dinner with him that weekend. Denis had said yes.

They agreed to meet in a restaurant near his office, and Denis didn’t expect to be seeing Maia and Josh waving at him excitedly. His blood freezes. Maia and Josh used to be his band mates. If they’re here, _then that means_ …

There’s another person on the table, a tall, beautiful woman who Daisuke introduces as Yuna Kim. Denis knows her—she’s a scriptwriter-turned-director who had produced a number of award-winning romantic/drama movies and is now dabbling on directing a rom-com television drama.

And that’s when the question was asked.

“Oh, come on, Denis, you don’t need to take time to decide!” Maia says, giggling as she sips her drink.

“Yeah!” Josh chimes in. “Don’t you miss us? You’ve been under the radar for, what, three years? And when was the last time you played the guitar?”

Denis remembers the dates clearly. Three years ago. Now, his guitar is hidden away in his closet, collecting dust. Denis is not sure if he’ll be able to take it out and strum it again. “Well … I kind of bailed on you guys, so …” He catches Yuna’s scrutinizing gaze and feels himself getting smaller and smaller.

“You never played again after that?” Josh asks, his eyes wide. When Denis nods, he exclaims, “No way!”

Yuna clears her throat, and whatever Josh is about to say next has been hushed. “I’ve already informally discussed the possibility of a reunion concert with Maia, Josh, and Alex last week.” Denis shifts uncomfortably, and Yuna pauses as she notices it. It doesn’t help that Daisuke, Josh, and Maia suddenly tense. “What’s wrong?”

It’s not professional to tell Yuna about what happened, and about why he doesn’t want to agree to this. Even if he’s not in the music industry anymore, he doesn’t want to leave that kind of impression. He gives a small smile and shakes his head. “It’s nothing,” he replies.

He’s about to tell Yuna to continue, but his gaze falls on the restaurant door. From there, he can see _him_. He knows it’s him because he’d recognize that build, that sheepish smile, that black shirt-and-jeans getup.

For the past three years, that image had been a ghost, but now, every moment of clarity is coming back.

And it’s so funny that even if it’s been three years, Alex Shibutani still makes his heart throb.

“E-Excuse me … I have to go to the bathroom,” he says, standing up. He almost bumps into a couple of servers on his way, but he doesn’t bother to apologize, lest he loses his mind once Alex is in earshot.

He splashes water on his face and looks at himself in the mirror. “Calm down, Denis,” he tells himself over and over. It’s been three years. He and Alex aren’t together anymore. This shouldn’t affect him as much as it did before, right?

Right?

His cell phone rings, and Denis scrambles for his phone, stuffed in the most bottom part of his bag. “Alex is here,” Daisuke has texted. “Where are you?”

He leans against the wall and takes a deep, heavy sigh. Maybe he should just text Daisuke, tell him something has come up, then leave. But no. That can’t be fair for Daisuke, not for Maia and Josh either. The least he can do is to give them a decision about the reunion.

He takes a deep breath and steps outside.

When he comes back, Alex is seated right next to him. Denis doesn’t greet him, just sits down and meets only Yuna and Daisuke’s gazes. The sooner he tells them his decision, the better for his sanity.

“I’m sorry … but I can’t do it.”

“Hold on, Denis,” Daisuke quickly says. “You should at least hear what Ms. Kim and the others have to say.”

He doesn’t really have a choice, does he? He shifts so that he can’t ever accidentally meet Alex’s gaze and nods. “Fine.”

“The reunion concert is for the rom-com drama I’m directing,” Yuna says. “You’ve probably heard of the show, and its cast. It has Michael Martinez and Zijun Li in it.”

Who _doesn’t_ know them? Denis is not a fan of teeny-bopper romance shows, but even his officemates can’t stop talking about the endearing chemistry of the two which started in a variety show. Ever since then, every endorser wants them, and ever since they landed a TV show drama, almost everyone drops what they’re doing to tune in.

“Michael and Zijun personally handpicked Outside Edge to perform in the throwback concert in the drama,” Yuna continues. “They personally loved your debut song, and they would like to work with you because they’d like to sing with you. Just three songs. Rehearse with them, mentor them, and that’s it.”

“I’m game!” Alex pipes up before the others can reply. Yuna nods with a triumphant smile. “I’m sure Denis is game, too, of all people. He’s an artist.”

If Denis is being honest with himself, he’d say yes in a heartbeat. It’s been years since he last thought of music, and the project is too good to pass up.

But then again … this is an Outside Edge project. This would mean he has to be with Alex for the duration of the project. And Alex was a ghost of his past, a past he had spent years running away from.

But of course, he can’t use his past as an excuse to get out of this potential mess.

“Well, Denis?” Yuna asks, expectantly. “Are _you_ game?”

His gut is telling him otherwise, but he puts on his most indifferent expression and asks, “How much am I going to be paid for this?”

He watches everyone’s eyes widen, Daisuke’s especially. “This is the first time you’ve ever asked that,” he says, shifting uncomfortably when Yuna eyes him inquiringly. “Back then, I handled all your dealings because you never cared about the money. Alex asks more about the money than you do.”

“Things have changed, Daisuke,” Denis says. He wants to avoid Daisuke’s eyes, but he knows he has to be firm about this decision. Any sign of weakness, and Daisuke will bring him back sometime next week and try to convince him to reconsider. He’s scared that he’ll say yes once he’s asked to reconsider. “And this isn’t just a concert,” he continues, once he’s put himself together. You’re banking on our history, too, and that’s a big thing. And you must really have the budget for it, haven’t you, Ms. Kim?”

“Denis …” he hears Alex say, but Denis resists the urge to look his way.

Yuna is looking at him, crestfallen. “Actually …”

Denis shakes his head, but he’s internally relieved. “Well then, I guess that’s a no,” he says as he stands up. “Now, if you’ll excuse me …” He quickly makes his way out of the restaurant before someone recovers from their shock and calls him back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Denis returns home to a dark, silent house. It’s not unusual to him. Caro and Stephane are rarely home these days, both of them working late at night until early morning. Denis doesn’t know if he’s lucky to have a 9 to 5 job or if he’s unlucky to be settling for safety and stability.

He gets into his routine—microwaving the leftovers, eating dinner on the couch while absentmindedly watching whatever’s on television, getting dressed and ready for bed.

But sleep eludes him. Tossing and turning and counting sheep were futile, and in the end, he gives up, sitting up on his bed. His mind is running back to the conversation in the restaurant earlier, of meeting his band mates again, of being invited to work on music again, to meeting Alex again. It’s a Pandora’s Box, chaos when memories were reopened.

He’s in the middle of his thoughts that his phone beeps. He fishes it out of his desk, and frowns at the unknown number. It could be some invitation or a scam, or something he can reply to the next day, but he opens the message anyway.

“ _Hey, Denis. Alex here. Got your number from Dai. Can we talk, please?_ ”

Denis sighs and finds himself staring at his phone for a long time. How had it come to this? He closes his eyes, and images of five years ago come flashing back to him. And this time, he doesn’t try to stop it.


	2. Track 02. How We Met

_And everything went from wrong to right_  
_And the stars came out to fill up the sky_  
_The music you were playin’ really blew my mind_  
_It was love at first sight_

 

Music camp was just the escape he needed. No school books, no reminders from professors about dissertations and comprehensive exams, no people he knows from school. He looks at his camp ID and smiles to himself, strapping his guitar bag closer to his bag as he enters the premises.

It’s only for the weekend, this music camp, but he had prepared himself for this ever since he knew of its existence. It’s his only chance to meet his idols from the music industry, show them his talent, and learn from them. And, of course, there are the people who share the same passion as he has.

Not that he’s going into the music industry. Life, or rather his mother, has other plans. He isn’t supposed to be in this music camp, but his mother consented provided that he focuses on grad school as soon as he gets home. He had agreed (though begrudgingly), and now he’s set to make the most out of the whole two days he’s here.

They’re set to settle in the whole half-day, after which they’ll head to the beach for a sing-off. This is where they’ll be performing a piece in front of five guest judges, all of them veterans in the music industry. The thought makes the butterflies in Denis’ stomach go haywire again, so he practices everywhere he goes, from packing in his room up to the restroom an hour before the sing-off.

He’s in the middle of washing his hands in the sink when he hears a “Hey, you.”

He looks up at the mirror to find a man standing behind him. He’s way too tall, and he’s wearing a black shirt and jeans, and Denis wonders why he’s wearing shades in the restroom. (“To each their own, I guess,” he says to himself.) The man puts his shades down, anyway, and Denis finds himself staring at inquisitive eyes. “Can I help you?” he asks.

The man tucks his shades on his jeans pocket and grins at him. “That’s an amazing voice you got there.”

This isn’t the first time Denis was complimented on his voice, but he feels his face heat up anyway. “Thanks,” he says, smiling. He grabs a few rolls of tissue and hastily wipes his hands.

“Just be careful with your notes, okay?” the man continues. “Your high note during the chorus was kind of—how do I put this?—flat.”

“Flat?” Denis repeats, blinking. “You mean this high note?” He repeats the chorus.

“Yeah, that.” The man rubs his chin and nods thoughtfully. “Try putting more feeling to it, yeah?” He nods more fervently when Denis repeats the chorus. “Yes! Much better.”

“Thanks.” Denis smiles. He feels a little more confident after that. It got his nerves to calm down a bit, too.

“Hey, Shibutani!” someone called from outside the bathroom. “Get your ass out of here! We’re starting the sing-off!”

“Coming!” Alex calls. He looks at Denis and smiles sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head. “That’s my cue to go. I’ll see you later?”

“Um, yeah? See you later.” As he watches the man retreat, Denis frowns to himself. Shibutani? That name sounds familiar …

Just to be sure, he fishes out his music camp flyer, to check the guest judges of the sing-off …

Denis swears to himself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Alex Shibutani was the leader and drummer for Rite of Passage before they disbanded in 2012,” the flyer reads. “He has recently finished his M.Ma in Yale and has composed songs for several indie bands during his stay there. He also directs and produces short videos with his sister and fellow band mate Maia.”

Alex smiles at him when he hops on the stage after a rap performance of a certain Maxim Kovtun left everyone grimacing. His voice is shaky as he introduces himself, and his fingers fumble at the chords before he can start properly. But he manages to calm himself down and sing. He thinks he’s doing a good job because everyone is jamming to the music, and Alex’s smile widens when Denis hits the high notes in the chorus. Alex stands up as soon as Denis finishes, and some people from the crowd do, too, and Denis is half-torn between pumping his fist in the air and wanting to bury himself alive at the attention. This is new to him, and it’s overwhelming.

“You have potential, young man,” Judge #1, the main vocals of one of Denis’ favorite bands, says with a smile. “You will go very far in this industry.”

Denis buries his face with his hands as the crowd cheers on.

When it’s Alex’s turn, his smile has mellowed down, but he still looks pleased. “You’re amazing,” he says. “I love your voice, and I love the way you hit the high notes. Keep it up, and you’ve got a bright future ahead of you.”

When he goes down the stage, he’s surrounded by people who want to get to know him, who want to hear more of his singing. Denis gets to know them, becomes friends with them, exchanges social media accounts with them. He’s already ruled out the possibly of a career in the music industry, but it’s nice to be surrounded with people who share the same things he likes. He’ll treasure them, and this day, forever.

He’s exhausted as the night goes on, but his newfound friends feel otherwise. He can be as sociable as he wants, but he has his limits. He’s quick to slip away from the party and find the beach shore quiet. He sighs in relief as reaches the shore, letting the cool breeze and the silence relax him.

“The party still isn’t over.”

The voice from behind him makes Denis jump. When he looks over his shoulder, Alex is grinning and handing him a can of beer. “Here.”

Denis shakes his head. “No, thanks. I don’t drink.”

“Oh, okay.” Alex whips out another bottle from his other hand. “Have some iced tea, then.”

He can’t resist laughing, the brush of his fingers against Alex’s ticklish as he accepts the bottle of iced tea. “You came prepared,” he remarks because he takes a gulp, the drink cold in his throat.

“I’m always prepared,” Alex says with a shrug. “Not much of a party person?”

“Introvert.”

“Ah.” Alex nods. He ends up sitting on the sand, patting the space next to him so Denis can sit, too.

“How about you?” Denis asks once he’s seated. He makes sure there’s space between them because a few hours isn’t enough for them to be considered _close_. “Isn’t this your turf?”

“Introvert,” Alex repeats, grinning again. “I like parties, but I get exhausted.” When Denis chuckles, he adds, “What, you don’t believe me?”

“Of course not!”

Somehow, Alex is easy to talk to. Denis was intimidated in the presence of the guest judges when they chatted in the party, but Alex is different. The teasing suddenly shifted to conversations about finding music, Denis relating how he took piano lessons but the sight of a man playing a guitar in the music instrument store left him in awe. Alex’s family is inclined in the arts, and singing and playing an instrument came naturally. Then, he finds out Alex likes The Rolling Stones and Queen, and Denis gushes about his grandfather’s Bob Dylan vinyls. Alex recommends him some indie rock music, and Denis finds himself sharing earphones with Alex as they listen to the music in companionable silence.

The party music has died down, and the final track in Alex’s playlist has finished playing. Denis finds himself reluctant to go back, but it’s the last day of the camp tomorrow, and he needs all the energy he can get.

“I got an idea for the closing party tomorrow,” Alex says as he helps Denis get up.

“What?” Denis asks. The music camp will culminate in a concert, and Denis was one of the few attendees invited to perform. Most of the time Denis feels bad that he got the opportunity of a lifetime while he’s already discarded the chance of pursuing a future in music. Meanwhile, other attendees would dream of performing with their favorite musicians, and they don’t get that chance.

Alex grins, almost shy. “Sing with me,” he offers.

And the next night, Denis is on the stage jamming with Alex to the tune of _All Along the Watchtower_. The adrenaline rush is undeniably high, and Denis soaks it all in—the music, the cheers, the crowd asking for an encore at the end of the performance. He stands at the center of the stage, in awe, and he doesn’t mind Alex draping an arm around his shoulders before they take a bow.

Because tomorrow he will be going home, back to school books and dissertations and comprehensive exams.

Back to reality.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He has checked out of his cabin and is on his way to the bus when he hears someone calling his name. When he looks over his shoulder, Alex is running towards him. He wants to laugh at the sight. “Are you never going to leave me alone?” he asks.

Alex stops when he approaches and takes a moment to pant and pull himself together before grinning at Denis. “Okay, so I had this idea when we were performing last night, and I know you’re going back to grad school when you get home but—”

“Slow down!” Denis laughs again. “I can’t understand what you’re saying!”

“Okay.” Alex takes a deep breath. “My sister and I are planning to start a band, a different one this time. And …” He pauses for dramatic effect. “I want you to be in it.”

The last time he was invited to be in a band was when he was in university. His then-boyfriend was a guitarist, and they spent their free time playing and sharing duets. When the university started an organization for independent bands, Dice had joined a couple of people who he had gotten to know after a couple of gigs. But when Dice asked Denis to join them, he refused.

“I can’t,” Denis had said, looking devastated at Dice’s disappointed expression. “Mom won’t let me.”

“Your mom can’t make decisions for _your_ life,” Dice had said with a pout. “Come on, Denis. I’ve seen how you shine whenever you sing and play the guitar. Music is what you love, not …” He had gestured to the pile of books next to Denis. “… that.”

Denis knows that. The moment he strummed the first strings in his guitar, he knew that this is what he wanted to do. But passion can only do so much, and as his mother always told him, passion can’t pay the bills. A college degree has better chances of doing that.

The offer to be the band’s vocalist is tempting, but … He had shaken his head. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”

When he repeats the same reply that day, there’s no denying the punch in the gut as he says those words. It doesn’t help that Alex’s face had fallen. “Why not? I’ve seen you on that stage—you shone.”

This feels awfully like déjà vu. He shakes his head. “I told you about my MBA, right? That’s my priority right now, not music.”

“But—” Alex pauses, as if thinking of something that can convince him, then shrugs. “At least think about it?”

“Um, okay, sure, I guess,” Denis replies absentmindedly. His focus was on his bus that is scheduled to leave anytime.

“Great!” Alex grins and puts his hands together. “You have my number, right?”

“No, I don’t.” Denis frowns. He never recalled getting Alex’s number throughout the course of the camp.

“Yes, I did! Come on, show me your contacts!”

“You’re so stubborn …” Denis sighs as he fishes out his phone, unlocks it, and opens his contacts list. “Go ahead. Check if you’re in it,” he says, handing the phone to Alex.

Alex seems to have taken his time in scrolling through his phone, but realization hits Denis hard when Alex starts typing something, and then there’s the ringing of another phone. Alex smirks at him victoriously as he fishes for his own phone, Denis’ number in the caller ID. “It’s not, but I got your number anyway, thanks!”

“You sneaky—” Denis is interrupted by the honking of the bus, and he knows he doesn’t have any time to protest. He’s not sure if Alex is persistent because he wants Denis in his band or if he wants to ask Denis out. Or maybe both. He’s not sure, and he doesn’t want to expect anything about the latter. He sighs again. “Fine, I’ll call you if I’ve decided.”

“Awesome!” Alex holds out his hand. “Well, it was a pleasure to meet you, Denis Ten. I hope to see you again.”

Once again, the warmth of Alex’s hand is almost ticklish, and he’s reluctant to pull away. “You are very persistent, but it was a pleasure learning from you, Alex Shibutani.”

“Oh, and before you leave—” Alex starts rummaging through his backpack before handing him a CD. “A farewell gift, from me to you.”

Denis didn’t have time to check the CD because the bus conductor is now calling everyone to hop on. When he does get the chance on the way home, the words _Rite of Passage_ are scrolled on the cover in huge letters. Behind it is a yellow Post-It, with the words, “You’ll get one of these someday, when you join my band. ;) – Alex”

He shakes his head and looks out of the window, ignoring the wide grin on his face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Normalcy resumes, and it’s easy for Denis to get back into his usual activities. There’s an operations management report to do, a case study to research on, and reminders about the comprehensive exams he has to take. He spends sleepless nights with Stephane and Caro in the university library or in the nearby café. And in between classes, he sings a tune in his mind and writes song lyrics in between his notes.

“Your phone is ringing again,” Caro points out with a knowing smirk.

It’s close to nine, and they’re in their favorite café, finishing a report for finance class. Denis’ phone had been ringing throughout the night, and it’s Alex’s name in the caller ID. It’s cute, at first, but Denis really wants to finish this report as soon as possible, and the ringing is getting on his nerves.

“Shouldn’t you answer it?” Stephane asks, mirroring Caro’s smirk. “It’s from your hot boyfriend.”

Denis almost slams his thick finance book on the table. “For the last time, he’s not my boyfriend!” he retorts. “He’s this really determined guy who wants me to join his band.”

“This _really cute_ determined guy who wants you to join his band and get you in his pants,” Stephane finishes, barely wincing when Denis throws his note cards at his face.

“You’re gross, Lambiel. Really gross.”

“Ten, please. We are MBA students, it’s late at night, and maturity is out the window.”

“But, really, Denis,” Caro says, more serious than Stephane, “can’t you consider it? I mean, you’re really talented, and with the way you told us, the people there really love you.”

Denis sighs. He has explained this to Caro ever since they became friends, but he doesn’t know why he has to say this over and over. “You know my mom … she doesn’t approve of a career in music for me.”

“You don’t have to say yes to being in a band,” Caro points out. “Just, you know—“ She pauses, and her eyes widen as if an elephant popped out from behind Denis.

“What’s wrong with you?” Denis asks before looking over his shoulder. His eyes widen, too, and he spurts out “Alex?” the moment he sees said man approach him upon entering the café. “How did you know I was here?”

Alex grins and shrugs. “You mentioned the name of your school in music camp, and I just made some lucky guesses on where you hang out. Anyway—”

“No.”

Alex laughs, and if Denis isn’t mistaken, he sounds a little nervous. “Look, before you say no, can you at least hear what I have to say?”

“Hey!” Caro says, suddenly standing up. “Why don’t Stephane and I go for a quick walk so you two can have some privacy?”

Denis glares at Stephane, making some throat-cutting gestures to get his best friend to stay, but Stephane is not cooperative and stands up, singsonging “See you in a bit, Denis~” before leaving with Caro. Denis wonders why he’s friends with these two.

By the time he’s done asking the heavens above why he’s has friends like these—and not getting any answers, as usual—Alex has sat down beside him, looking at him expectantly. Denis is about to open his mouth to say no, when he interrupts, “Look, before you say no to me again. Can you at least hear me out?”

He’s alone with Alex with nowhere else to run. Actually, he can run, but that won’t stop Alex from calling and texting him. He sighs in defeat. “Fine, but make it quick. I have an exam tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Alex takes a deep breath. “Before you say no again, I just want you to know that when I first heard you sing …” He smiles as if reliving the memory. “I knew you were different. No …” His eyes dart up as if searching for a different description. “You were one of a kind. And if you keep saying no, the more I’m determined to get you in my band because you wanna know why?” Before Denis can even ask, Alex answers his own question. “Because there’s nothing more common than wasted genius. And you know what, Denis Ten? You’re a genius.”

His eyes widen, and he can’t help but ask, “Really?” He’s been called smart in school, talented when people hear him sing, but never genius. He feels warmth spread through his chest, his face heating up.

Alex cocks his head to the side and grins mischievously. “Just a bit flat.”

Denis groans and buries his face in his hands. He had been persistent in rejecting Alex’s offer, but part of him has asked ‘What if?’ But … “I’m flattered, but …” His sigh is more disheartened. “For the last time, no …”

Alex had looked dismayed when Denis first said no, but this time, he doesn’t. “For the last time, jam with me and the band,” he says. “Just one time. If you don’t like it, I won’t bother you anymore, okay?”

Just one jamming session with the band. Denis remembers what it felt like to be before a crowd, with music and his guitar. He wanted to relive it so much. His mother is going to hate him for this (or maybe he shouldn’t say anything), but … “When, where, and what time?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That Friday he finds himself in one posh studio in one of those big music companies. Alex introduces him to Maia, Alex’s sister and the keyboardist, and Joshua, the bassist. Then there’s also Daisuke, their manager, who apparently heard a lot about Denis because Alex can’t stop talking about him. He’s flattered and embarrassed at the same time.

They jam to easy rock songs. Josh finds it easy to harmonize their voices, and even Maia is nodding in approval as they play. From the corner of the room, Daisuke seems to have brightened up more than their introduction a while ago, nodding along to the notes. He briefly meets Alex’s eyes, and with Denis himself grinning as he plays and sings, he knows he’s in a lot of trouble.

He wants to be in the band. So much.

It doesn’t help when the jamming session ends and Alex drags him to have dinner with the band.

“You were fantastic!” Maia gushes. “We’ve had our jamming sessions before, and it was solid, the three of us. But when you did your thing, it gained some kind of …” She purses her lips as she thinks of the right words.

“Soul?” Josh suggests.

“Soul! Exactly!” Maia exclaims as she snaps her fingers.

“You have great rapport with the group, considering you only met Maia and Josh today,” Daisuke says. “It’s like you’ve been with the group for ages.”

“Thank you,” Denis says, his face red. He’s really not used to all this praise, all this attention.

“So!” Alex says, stretching in guise of putting an arm around Denis’s shoulders, but Denis is quick to avoid the contact. “I’ll see you tomorrow again?”

Denis’ eyes widen. “You guys are jamming again tomorrow?”

“Nope.” There’s an unmistakable twinkle in Alex’s eyes. “Let’s go out.”

“You wanna go out with me?” Denis clarifies. Just to be absolutely sure.

“Yeah, it’s not like I’m asking them out.” Alex gestures with his head towards Maia, Josh, and Daisuke, who simultaneously scoff at him.

Denis bites his bottom lip. “I … I have class tomorrow. Operations management. I can’t miss it.” He groans at the thought of the layout plan he’s supposed to work on as soon as he gets home. Guess that’s another all-nighter.

“We can go out after your class. Is there a problem?” Alex tilts his head to one side, and now he looks like a pleading puppy, and Denis knows he’s in bigger trouble.

He sighs and shakes his head. “Fine.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next day, he spots Alex leaning against the school gates, looking preoccupied with his phone. A “Hey!” from him causes him to look up excitedly, though. Denis has to admit, that excited expression is cute. But he’s not going to say that out loud.

They do a bit of walking in the streets, and Denis pauses by a music store, in front of the Top 10 Hits display. Rite of Passage’s last album is in the fifth spot. “It must have felt great to be in there,” he says. “The Top 10 spot, I mean.”

“It is,” Alex says with a nod. He sounds nostalgic. “What makes you say that, though?”

Denis shrugs. Stephane and Caro have known him long enough to tolerate his thoughts, but he’s only known Alex for a few days. He might be thought of as thinking too much. “Well …” he replies, carefully. “Being there … it just means the music you originally made for yourself. But being there means that it becomes everyone’s music.”

“Someday, you’ll be part of that, too.” When Denis looks at him, Alex adds with a mischievous grin, “Hopefully with me.”

Denis shrugs again. He’s avoiding any response every time Alex asks him about joining the band. He might say yes, and saying yes means choosing a band over his studies, and he knows what will happen if he does that. “Someday,” he says instead.

He follows Alex inside the music store, and they browse through a couple of CDs. “Tell me,” Alex says, his hand running through the CD cases as he passes. “What’s the first album you ever bought?” His eyes brighten up as he fishes out an album from the racks. “This is mine. U2’s _All That You Can’t Leave Behind_.”

“Well, this is a little embarrassing …” Denis mutters as his eyes scan the racks. “I remember actually buying two …” He does a bit more scanning before fishing out two albums, avoiding Alex’s gaze. “Hilary Duff’s _Metamorphosis_ and Beyonce’s _Dangerously In Love_.”

“Hey, no judgment.” When Denis meets Alex’s gaze, he actually looks nostalgic. “Beyonce’s like the queen, and I remember watching Lizzie McGuire.” As if to emphasize his point, he sings a little bit of _What Dreams Are Made Of_ , and Denis finds himself singing along before they share a laugh. He’s had this impression that Alex is an indie and rock-only guy, so this is a pleasant surprise.

“My turn to ask,” Denis declares. “What album best describes your day?”

“Very easy.” Alex is quick to fish out an album— _Happy?_ by Public Image Ltd, Alex’s finger covering the question mark in the album cover. “How about you?”

Denis quickly finds an album, vaguely aware of the artist. “ _Comfort In Your Strangeness_ by Cynthia Alexander.”

“That’s deep,” Alex comments with a chuckle. “Okay, how would you describe your ex?”

Denis can’t help but laugh as he remembers being with Dice in a nutshell. In the end, he settles with Nirvana’s _Nevermind_.

“Mine is this.” Alex shows Matchbox 20’s _Mad Season_. “One final question, then let’s go get something to eat?”

“Hmm? Okay, sure.” Denis looks at his watch. It’s already close to eight, and he should be back by ten so he can start studying for his exam next week.

“Okay, my question is this.” Alex shows him Norah Jones’ _Come Away With Me_ album. When Denis blinks at him in confusion, he asks, in his usual puppy dog face, “Join my band. Please?”

Denis thinks if he says no again, then Alex will stop asking him. But when Alex stops asking him, Denis realizes that he’ll never be able to have an opportunity like this again. He sighs, and fishes out an album that best describes his answer.

“ _Probably Not But Most Definitely._ ”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Monday later, he meets Alex in the café near the university. He had most definitely said yes to joining the band, but he wants a couple of conditions to be set. He has studies to worry about, and if he fails, his mother will most likely reject him every chance to make music from thereon.

“These are my conditions,” he declares as he watches Alex fish out a notepad and a pen. “No ifs, no buts.”

Alex takes off the cap in his pen and flips open his notepad. “Go,” he says. “No ifs, no buts.”

Denis takes a deep breath, and starts to rattle off the list of conditions in his head. “If I have an exam, I can’t join your gigs, rehearsals, or jam sessions.”

“Noted,” Alex replies as he scribbles it on his notepad.

“If I have a review or defense, I can’t. If I have to go on field study, I can’t.”

“Noted.”

“I can’t go either if it’s on my mom’s birthday. Of course, not on my birthday, too.”

Alex looks up at him, tucking his chin on his hand. “What if the gig, rehearsal, or jam session is on _my_ birthday?”

Denis sighs. He’s torn between punching Alex on the face or smiling like an idiot because Alex looks cute. “ … Fine. I can go if it’s on your birthday.”

Alex is grinning widely. “You must really like me.”

Denis ignores that. “When my mother tells me to go home, I will go home. If my mother tells me to stay at home and study, I will stay home and study. If I start failing, I will quit from the band. If my grades get affected, this stops.”

Alex’s face falls. “What if your feelings for me get affected?” he asks. “Will this stop?”

Denis deadpans. Okay, he has this crush on Alex, but this has gone too far. “Alex, I’m serious,” he says. Alex sits up straighter and gets the message. “I’m serious about music, but … I’m more serious about not disappointing my mom. I love music, but I love my mom more. I can make this work if you cooperate with me. Okay?”

Alex nods. “Yes, boss.” He smiles. “Any conditions about your talent fee?” Denis shakes his head, and he adds, a little incredulously, “You don’t care about the pay?”

Denis shrugs. “I’m not really after the money. I’m after my music.” He repeats “My music” again in his mind, and he wants to do an excited dance. He’d never imagined it would finally, _finally_ happen.

“You’re such an artist,” Alex remarks.

“I’m an entrepreneur _and_ an artist,” Denis quips, and they share a laugh.

“Okay.” Alex stuffs the notepad and pen back in his bag. “So … is it your mom’s birthday this Friday?”

Denis shakes his head.

“Your birthday?”

“Uh-uh.”

“Review? Exam?” Another shake of the head. “Field work?” Another no, and Alex looks like he’s over the moon. “Good. Good.”

Denis feels like he’s over the moon, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alex takes him to a bar, and Denis is not prepared for what’s about to happen. Suddenly, he’s shaking hands and chatting with his favorite musicians, and he doesn’t care if he’s babbling and asking for pictures and looking like an insane fan in front of them. (He labeled himself a “huge fan” of every musician present in the bar.) He doesn’t really care anymore. He’s surrounded by his favorite musicians, his idols.

He stays with the musicians in the bar until god-knows-what time. Alex is already mentioning about the band and Denis being in it.

“You’re amazing, Alex, you know that?” remarks Adam Rippon, a bassist of this rising band (Denis is a bigger fan of their vocalist Ashley Wagner). “You used your band to score a boyfriend.”

“It’s not like that!” The lights are dim, but there’s no mistaking the redness in Alex’s cheeks.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Denis declares, and there’s no denying the disappointment in some of the people’s faces. He smirks to himself.

“Okay, so he’s not your boyfriend,” Ross Miner of another band says, close to laughing. “But does he have a chance?”

He meets Alex’s gaze at that question. Alex is looking at him expectantly, and it sends Denis’ heart pounding. Yes, he’s attracted to Alex ever since the music camp, but to make it something more …

His eyes then drift to the clock, and he swears under his breath. _Shit._

“Is that the time. Fuck. My mother is probably looking for me! I should go!” Everyone guffaws, but Denis is really looking at the time. It’s way past the time he promised Stephane and Caro would cover for him, and he really needs to go home.

And he just remembered, he has recitation for today. And he hasn’t studied anything yet.

Shit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

His mother doesn’t say anything when he arrives twenty minutes later. He doesn’t know what’s worse—getting a lecture from his mother or having none of it. But that’s the least of his worries. After a quick nap and a shower, he rushes out of the door and to school.

His morning class was uneventful, and he manages to sneak in some naps in between lectures, with Stephane and Caro covering for him. But the morning class was the least of his worries. His recitation for his afternoon class makes up for most of his grade. He decides to spend the whole lunch break in the café, drowning in his notes, bemoaning the fact that he ran out of slots for the other professor he could have taken with his friends.

Suddenly, a cup of coffee is plopped on his table. When he looks up, Alex is smiling at him apologetically before taking a seat across him. It’s amazing how Alex managed to find space in the cluttered table, his laptop and books, and highlighters strewn everywhere. Still, he accepts the coffee with much thanks.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Denis blurts as looks back and forth at the note cards in his hands. “I really can’t do this anymore.” He pats his cheeks and straightens in his seat. “Alex, can you help me?” he asks, handing the note cards to Alex. Alex is no business major, but he’s desperate at the moment.

“Okay?” Alex looks at the note cards like they contain some foreign language, but he nods. “You ready?”

“Yes.”

The review goes well, anyway. Most of the question requires more serious thinking (because he still hasn’t slept a wink), and Alex was willing to provide him with clues via charades. Denis gets all the answers right.

Alex is happier than him for getting the answers right and orders three more cups of coffee in celebration.

Denis can’t resist laughing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A month has passed, and Denis thinks he has pretty much settled into his new routine. Denis attends his classes, meets with his groupmates and stays up late at night to finish class requirements. In his free time, he’d rush to the studio to rehearse with the band, and Daisuke is kind enough to book their gigs on Friday and Saturday nights. He passes the first half of the semester with flying colors, and his mother remains tight-lipped about the whole school and band balancing act.

By the end of November, they end their gig with smiles on their faces. Daisuke is grinning as well from his side. “I think Outside Edge is ready to debut,” he announces.

The next thing Denis knows is he and the band are inside a club, different from where Alex took him the last time. This club is a lot more crowded, though he barely knows the bands playing before them.

“This place is basically everyone’s springboard when they want to debut,” Daisuke explains, handing Denis a glass of iced tea as they wait for their cue to come up the stage. “A lot of your favorite bands started here, too, you know. If the crowd here likes it, then you’re most likely to go big.”

The iced tea slides like fire down Denis’ throat. This is now or never, and he can’t resist thinking of all the scenarios that can happen. What if the crowd doesn’t like the band? What if his voice suddenly cracks while singing? (It won’t be the first time.) What if—

He feels hands on his shoulder, kneading as if willing him to relax. When he looks up, Alex is grinning at him. “Nervous?” he asks.

Denis gulps and nods.

“It’s okay. We all are.”

He blinks at that. “ _You’re_ nervous? Music veteran Alex Shibutani is nervous?”

“Don’t say that out loud!” Alex says, his cheeks starting to tinge pink. “Yeah, I get nervous, too. I really want this to work, okay?”

Denis has pretty much looked up to Alex when music is concerned that he had forgotten that he gets nervous like everyone else. He manages a smile, and somehow his hand finds its way on top of Alex’s, causing the older one to freeze mid-massage. “We’ll make it work,” he says.

When Alex smiles at him, Denis feels time stop momentarily.

Soon, they were called onstage, and Denis tries to remember what it’s like to perform in the music camp’s culminating concert. His voice is shaking at first when he sings the first few notes, but everything is falling into place, and he can see nods of approval and people clapping along to the music.

When everything is over, most of the crowd stands up, and Alex is quick to take Josh’s microphone to introduce the band—“Maia Shibutani on the keyboard, Joshua Farris on the bass and vocals, yours truly on the drums, and Denis Ten on the guitar and lead vocals! And we are … Outside Edge!”

Outside Edge. A new beginning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finals are fast approaching, but Denis finds himself writing a song. It’s a melody he couldn’t get out of his head for the past week, and in the midst of all-nighters, he finds himself strumming his guitar and writing lyrics in between his notes. The café is too crowded, and god knows what would happen if he writes his song at home, so Denis finds the best place to compose—a bench by the school gates. No one stays there for long, and he likes the silence in the area whenever night falls.

When finals are over, Denis finds himself rushing to the bench once again, waiting for everyone to leave the campus. When it’s all quiet, he strums his guitar and plays the first verse. He smiles as he closes his eyes and imagines the crowd, watching them. He thinks it will tug at their heartstrings … hopefully.

He doesn’t realized he stopped playing when a familiar voice suddenly asks, “Why’d you stop?”

When he opens his eyes, Alex is sitting beside him, iced coffee in hand. “Hey,” he says, with a smile. Alex had been more affectionate towards him lately. Not that he’s complaining. (And not that he’ll say that out loud.)

Denis complies, singing the song as he strums his guitar. When he stops again, Alex is looking at him inquisitively. “What?”

Alex rubs his chin, his grin teasing. “You know, you’re singing some high notes, but you’re still cute.”

Usually Denis would roll his eyes, but now his lips turn up. This really isn’t a good sign. “Okay,” he says as neutrally as possible. “This song isn’t supposed to be cute. How do I sing it?”

“Okay.” Alex shifts closer, his arm around Denis’ shoulders so that he’s reaching for the guitar’s strums, his other hand close to Denis’ other hand. “Close your eyes, and think about what your song wants to say. Feel your song, then just go with it.”

Their faces are too close, and Denis tries to look away. This is already bad because for some reason, Denis wants to move closer.

He closes his eyes and does what Alex told him to do, feel the music and sing. Somewhere during his singing, Alex’s image pops in his mind.

He stops, though, when Alex sings out a verse that didn’t come from his notes. Denis opens his eyes and frowns. “Where did that come from?”

“From my heart?” Alex tries, and Denis didn’t hide his face palm. “What?”

“It’s cheesy!”

“But it works, right?”

He has a point. It works with the song he was writing. In fact, it was just the verse that was on the tip of his tongue. He nods. “Yeah, it does …”

“Want to try it again?” Alex asks expectantly, looking like a puppy again.

Oh, what the heck. “Sure.”

And this time, it’s Denis who moves closer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When school let out, Denis has enough freedom to write his song. He enlists Alex’s help, and together, they find themselves in the studio, writing and strumming away. Sometimes they’d go home late, and Alex would always be kind enough to drop off Denis at home, even if he’s out of the way. Sometimes they’d stay in the café, even when everyone else is gone, and somehow, his hand finds Alex’s, and his head would find comfort in Alex’s shoulders.

Once, Caro caught them holding hands in the café, and Denis finds himself subject to his best friend’s knowing gaze. “If I knew better, things are getting pretty serious between the two of you,” she remarks.

Denis finds himself turning red and, for the first time, at a loss for words ready to strike down and deny the remark. To be honest, Alex has been his guide and closest friend during this whole band thing, but lately he’s entertained the thoughts of something more. It doesn’t help that Alex obviously likes him, but he’s not sure how serious Alex is about this. But if he is … Denis doesn’t have to hesitate.

Their song gets the go signal from Daisuke and the rest of the management. It’s going to be the first song in their first album, and they spend three days in the studio, recording that song and the rest of the song some composers already made for them. Denis feels giddy doing this that staff has to stop every now and then to let him control his emotions (to everyone’s amusement). Eventually, they pulled through; not only do they have an almost-complete album, but they now have a schedule of gigs, with them as headliners instead of opening acts. This is it; his dreams are now becoming reality.

Their first official gig is the bar—not a test gig, compared to the last time—where Alex first took him to meet his idols. “This is so weird,” Denis mutters as they start setting up the stage.

“What’s weird?” Alex asks, forehead wrinkling.

Denis shrugs. Alex is already used to his ramblings, but lately, Denis feels self-conscious of his own thoughts. That never stops him, though. “Last time, I was here watching my idols perform,” he says. “Now … it’s the other way around.”

Alex grins at him and puts an arm around his shoulders. “Today, there’ll be some other kid in the audience who will watch us and think, ‘Hey, I wanna be just like them,’” he says, almost breathless.

“You think so?” Denis says, moving closer.

“I know so.” Alex meets his gaze, and there’s something about that gaze that sends Denis’ heart racing. But before Denis can even say something, Josh signals that his sound check is okay, and Alex pulls away. “You ready for your official debut, Mr. Denis Ten?”

Denis strums his guitar and nods. “Ready when you are, Mr. Alex Shibutani.”

The gig was a success. Denis wants to take it all in, the audience, his friends, his idols, standing up to cheer for them. He smiles too widely as he looks at his band mates that his cheeks hurt. And when he and Alex share gazes, Denis feels the crowd disappear, and it’s just the two of them.

They were separated after their gig as they were surrounded by people who want to shake their hands, to gush over their performance and music, and to get to know them. Denis’ head is spinning, and he was glad Stephane and Caro were there to save him. (Although Stephane did make a quick escape upon seeing Josh.)

When he finds Alex, he and Maia are talking to a tall, pretty lady with plum lipstick. She’s leaning too close to Alex that Denis almost sees red. He’s about to leave, but Maia sees him and calls him. “Denis!” she says. “Come on over here! Here’s someone we want you to meet.”

“Hey, Denis!” Alex brightens up and pulls him closer by the waist. The red in his vision has disappeared. “I’d like you to meet Madison. We had a band back in college, and she was our vocalist.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Denis.” Madison smiles as she shakes Denis’ hand. “You were so great back there. Maia was right about you. You give soul to this band.”

“Thanks?” Denis finds himself smiling back.

“Well, Maia and I will be going with Evan for some drinks.” Madison looks at her watch, then over her shoulder for someone in the crowd. “You wanna come with?” She’s looking at Alex quite expectantly.

“No, thanks. I’m pretty beat.” Alex yawns as if to prove his point. “Also, I’m taking Denis home. He has class tomorrow.”

Maybe it’s just Denis’ imagination, or Madison just gave him a look that’s almost close to a frown. “That’s too bad. I guess we’ll hang out some other time, Denis?” With another smile and a wave, Madison and Maia disappear in the crowd.

Alex looks at him. “Let’s go?”

The drive home is a quiet one. All the adrenaline rush that Denis had during the gig was now gone; all he can do is watch the passing views from the car window. Alex seems to be fine with it as he focuses on the drive. Something seems to be weighing in on his mind, but Denis is too tired to be curious. Maybe he’ll pester Alex about it some other day.

Finally, they reach his home. The lights are already off, his mother probably already asleep. He’s reluctant to get out of the car; getting out means returning to reality. He has no more classes for the rest of the month, but he knows his mother will ask him to review for the next semester.

He’s already removed his seatbelt and his hand is hovering on the car door when Alex calls him. When Denis looks at him curiously, the older one adds, “Let’s write a new song.”

Denis frowns. “Right now?” he asks. “We just finished our first gig for our first new song?”

Alex shrugs and gives him a sheepish smile. “I have an idea,” he says. “I already wrote something.” As if to prove his point, he fumbles in his jeans pocket and fishes out a wrinkled sheet of paper. “Read it. Let me know what you think?”

From the corner of his eye he can see the living room lights turning on. He doesn’t have enough time, but Denis takes the paper from Alex and reads out loud.

 _“At the end of all this,_  
_I see something._  
_Not you_  
_Not me_  
_Us.”_

And as he says “Us,” Alex chimes in. They share a gaze, and Denis finds himself smiling again. The gazes, the smiles they share are different. The lyrics echo in Denis’ mind, and he knows this is a confirmation of something. Something amazing.

“Be mine.” Alex’s words send shivers down Denis’ spine.

Denis finds himself taking Alex’s hand in his, and saying “Yes.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He has to go to the studio after the next day, and Denis finds himself focusing on nothing but the time, which seems to be ticking slowly. He was in a reunion with some high school friends, but he doesn’t pay attention to class, and he ignores Stephane and Caro’s teasing gestures. Not that he considers it teasing. Denis doesn’t seem to care, and besides, his cheeks hurt from smiling like an idiot all day.

He makes a beeline for the exit as soon as the reunion is over, practically skipping when he steps out of the bus twenty minutes later. The security guard in the studio gives him a confused look when he singsongs a greeting, and he can’t stop humming as he impatiently waits for the elevator to stop on his floor.

He hears the animated chatter from the band as soon as he arrives in their floor. He makes a detour for the bathroom, just to make sure he looks … okay? Calm? Denis isn’t sure why he’s suddenly self-conscious. Heck, he doesn’t care about his appearance during jamming sessions, but then again, he and Alex weren’t … _together_ before.

“Breathe, Denis, you’re overreacting,” he tells himself. He splashes his face with water and takes a couple of deep breaths before finally entering the room.

The conversation ceases as soon as he enters. Josh stands up to pat him in the back before excusing himself to get some coffee. Maia and Daisuke exchange knowing looks before following Josh outside.

Alex approaches him shyly, awkwardly, and it’s Denis who feels a little brave. “Hey,” he greets. He notices the dark circles under Alex’s eyes. He didn’t sleep a wink either, probably wondering if last night was real.

“Hey,” Alex greets back, attempting to reach for Denis’ hand, but stops midway. “We are …” he trails off. “… yeah?”

Denis tries not to laugh. This is so out-of-character for Alex to be this awkward and unsure. But then again, there’s a lot about Alex that he doesn’t know yet, and Denis is excited to discover a bit about him day by day. He’s the one who takes Alex’s hand. “Yes,” he says, giving the word the same weight as the “Yes” he gave last night.

Alex relaxes, his hand pulling away to snake itself around Denis’ waist so that their faces are inches apart. “So is this okay?” he asks, voice low.

“Yes,” Denis repeats, his heart racing.

“And is it okay …” Alex breaks into a grin. “… if I kiss you?”

“Yes.” Denis is breathless as he meets Alex’s lips halfway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alex finishes writing another song a week later and performs it for Daisuke, the rest of the band, and to a couple of people from top management. Denis looks around the room and finds Daisuke and top management nodding in approval. When he meets Alex’s gaze, it’s hard to deny that his cheeks hurt from grinning and he’s feeling giddy.

“That was really good,” Meryl, the creative director, says as soon as the applause in the room has died down. “It will give your album the right balance of content. You already have tons of sad songs; I’m glad you decided to add in a happier one.”

“So, Alex,” Daisuke says with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, “what’s your source of inspiration?”

Alex doesn’t even try to hide the way he pulls Denis close. “Who else? Outside Edge’s lucky charm.” He throws Denis a fond look. “ _My_ lucky charm, too.”

Being in a relationship with Alex feels natural to him. Nothing much has changed between them. Alex picks him up after class for band practice, rehearsals, and gigs. Sometimes he’d take Denis to dinner or a short walk outside before finally heading home. Sometimes he’d help Denis review for his classes. The only difference now is that Denis is more reluctant to have Alex leave his side.

They finally finish recording the entire album when Alex asks him out to dinner. “Where are we going?” Denis asks when he hops in Alex’s car.

“Up to you.” Alex grins as he starts the engine. “You’re good with directions, right? In fact, you gave my life a sense of direction.”

Another thing that hasn’t changed is how he would like to shrivel up every time Alex says something lame. He wonders why he said yes to the confession in the first place, but one look, and he remembers. Alex is already driving towards an intersection, and is waiting for him to declare where to go.

Denis asks Alex to head to a convenience store first, where they buy drinks, sandwiches, and a couple of chips. When that’s done, Denis remembers being seven and with his family on a trip, and he tells Alex to go straight and past the highway. He can see Alex’s brows furrowing in confusion, but he keeps driving until Denis tells him to stop, in a small patch of land, a gazebo towards the end of a cliff. The highway lights cast dim shadows on them, but Denis is glad there are lights at all.

“What is this place?” Alex asks as Denis makes his way through the grass to reach the gazebo.

Denis looks over his shoulder and grins. “When I was seven, my family and I were on a trip, and the car broke down here,” he says. “While mom and dad were arguing over the car, I found this.” He pats the pillar for emphasis. “It was close to nighttime, and the sun was setting, and it was just a beautiful sight.”

“Really.” Alex sets down the plastic bag on the bench in the gazebo. “Too bad it’ll be the next day before we can see a beautiful sunset.”

“I know.” Denis relaxes when Alex wraps his arms around him. “But I remembered what it’s like to be here. It makes me feel relaxed. Like the whole world is miles away, and I just escaped the busyness of life.”

“Escaping the busyness of life, huh?” Alex says thoughtfully. “I like that …”

“You know,” Denis says, a thought coming to his mind, “we should go here a lot.”

“Yes, we should,” Alex says with a nod.

“Even when we’re famous, we should keep going here,” Denis continues.

“When it’s chaotic or too noisy, we’ll still go here.”

Denis smiles. “When we need to remember why we make music, we’ll go here. Just the two of us.”

They remain silent, in that position, staring into the view where the sun once was. It felt like forever until Alex spins him around and they’re face to face. There’s seriousness in Alex’s expression, a more serious one compared to when he’s focused on writing or playing the drums; it sends Denis’ heartbeat on overdrive. Somehow, he knows where this is going …

“I love you,” Alex whispers, his words sending shivers down Denis’ spine.

And Denis finds Alex’s hand and says, “I love you, too” before closing the distance between them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Outside Edge’s first album was released a month later. Their first album launch was jam-packed, and Denis’ voice is hoarse from all the shouting and thanking people in between singing. His hands hurt from all the signing of albums, but if this is what it’s like, to see people liking his music, then this isn’t so bad.

Alex hands him a glass of iced tea when the after-party has started. “Good job,” he says, patting his knee as they sit down by the bar.

Denis mutters his thanks, and just when he’s about to say something to Alex, someone approaching caught his attention. His eyes widen in recognition. “Dice?”

Sure enough, standing in front of him was the man he dated back in university. “Hey, Denis!” he greets, looking as surprised as he is, and they give each other a quick hug. “Long time no see!”

“Yeah, it’s been years!” Denis exclaims as they pull away. “How are you?”

“Great, I’m just floating around, playing in this bar and that bar. But _you_ …” He smirks. “Back in college you were too scared to join my band because of your mom, but now you have a successful first album.”

Denis shrugs. “Still scared of my mom,” he says, and they share a laugh.

“But anyway, that was a really amazing set. I really liked the final song. Who wrote that?”

“My boyfriend and I collaborated.” Denis looks over his shoulder, and he feels self-conscious that he’s about to introduce Alex to someone he used to be in a relationship with. But better he knows now than Denis hiding it, right? It’s not like he and Dice had a bad relationship, and it’s not like they still have feelings each other. “Uh, Dice … this is Alex. My … boyfriend. Alex … this is Dice. We … used to date back in college.”

Surprisingly, Alex gets up from his seat and shakes Dice’s hand, flashing a smile. “Nice to meet you,” he says.

When Dice has disappeared in the crowd, Alex pulls him closer. “I’m not jealous, you know,” he says, as if he has read Denis’ mind.

Denis looks at him, still incredulous. “Really?”

Alex smiles before leaning forward to kiss his forehead. “You chose me, right? I’m not jealous. I’m the luckiest guy in the world.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Outside Edge’s first album tops the physical album sales on the day of its release. Music critics are calling the album “a breath of fresh air” and “music’s next big thing.” It feels surreal to hear his voice on the radio, his face on television every time he switches to the music channel, to have people stare at him in the hallway and approach him and have things signed.

Then he and Alex pass by the record store a week later, their album is in the Top 10 display, on the fifth stand. Alex squeezes his hand, and they share a smile.

His dream … no, _their_ dream … has finally come true.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next thing he knows, the school year has ended. He passed all his subjects, and he has been promoted to another semester, the _final_ semester. The final semester meant a business research and a comprehensive exam before he’s qualified for graduation. Pass all these, and he’ll get his MBA. New doors will open up, and he’ll finally be able to co-manage the family business, just as his mother had planned for him.

But he doesn’t want to. Denis never had any intention to run any kind of business. All he wants is to sing, to play his guitar, and make music. Being in Outside Edge gave him more push to his passion.

He and Alex are both early in the studio, and Denis takes this as a chance to ask for his advice. He pulls out a piece of paper from his bag and hands it to Alex. “Can you help me?” he asks. “I wanna know if I can submit this or not.”

Alex scans the contents of the paper, and Denis watches his eyes widen. “A leave of absence form?” he says. “Denis, are you sure? You’re going to graduate after the next semester.”

“I know, but …” Denis leans his head on Alex’s shoulder. He had thought about this all month. Caro and Stephane were indifferent, asking him to weigh in the pros and cons of his decision. he hasn’t told his mother yes because the mere thought would make her furious. But even as he weighs his pros and cons, this is the only solution he has come up with. He had considered quitting, but he knows he needs a backup plan. Music and grad school, he can juggle, but it’s very clear to him that grad school will have to take a back seat.

Alex seems to understand. “Okay, you’ve made up your mind. Have you told your mom about this?”

The mere mention of his mother makes Denis want to not have this conversation. “I said I will, once I’ve made up my mind,” he says. “I’ll talk to her tonight.”

Alex strokes his hair. “Let me know what happens, okay? I’m here for you.”

Denis knows that, and he clings to Alex even closer. How he wishes it wouldn’t be this scary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few hours later, Denis finds himself in the café by the university. His hands are shaking as he clings to his phone, the view barely registering as his vision blurs more and more. The café starts to play Outside Edge’s new song, and all he wants to do now is to shut everything out. Where is Alex? He’s supposed to pick him up minutes ago. 

He hears the chimes of the café door, and he immediately looks up. Alex is quickly approaching him. The waiter shoots him a glare for walking in slightly drenched, but Alex doesn’t seem to care as he grabs Denis’ bags for him. “Let’s go?” 

Denis sniffs and nods. 

It’s when they reach Alex’s car when Denis breaks down, his shoulders heaving in sobs. He had expected every possible scenario he can imagine once he breaks the news to his mother, but it still hurts. He had almost given up on music because his mother doesn’t want him to—all because he loves his mother. And now that he wants to do what he loves … How come he always has to compromise? It’s not fair. 

Alex wraps his arms around him and lets him lean on his chest, despite their cramped space in the car. Alex’s voice is comforting, calming, and Denis allows himself to cry until tears can’t run down his face anymore. 

He’s probably fallen asleep at some point because the next thing he knows is that his head is on Alex’s lap, and Alex is looking at him worriedly. “Hey,” he says softly. “You fell asleep.” 

“I did …?” Denis croaks, his voice hoarse. His eyes sting, too. 

“Do you need water? Do you want something to eat? I can drop by the convenience store and—” 

Denis shakes his head, the realization hitting him harder. “I need a place to stay …” he says. 

“Right …” Alex nods. “Well, it’s already late at night. Do you wanna stay in my place and Maia’s? Just for a while, if you want. We can start looking for places for you to stay tomorrow.” 

He’s never been to Alex’s place before; Alex has never offered yet, and Denis told himself there’s no rush. But that’s the least of Denis’ worries right now. All he wants right now is a place to sleep. And maybe he’ll wake up and find this is all a bad dream. So he nods, tries to make himself comfortable in the passenger’s seat, as Alex drives to his apartment. 

He barely registers everything that happened after that until he wakes up and finds himself looking at a ceiling he’s not seen before. When he rolls to the side, he sees a drum set and a poster of The Rolling Stones, and he remembers everything that happened last night. He sighs and closes his eyes, but he knows even if he does, he’s been kicked out of the house and he has nowhere to go. 

His thoughts are interrupted when he hears the door opening, and he sits up just in time to see Alex sighing in relief. “Hey,” he says softly, scooting to sit on the edge of the bed. “How are you feeling?” 

Denis is about to reply when he hears his stomach growling. Alex must have heard it, too, because his lips tug up, and he says, “Maia and I made breakfast.” 

Maia hugs him as soon as Alex drags him in the dining room. “Eat here as many as you can and stay here as long as you want. We got the guest room ready for you.” 

“Thanks.” Denis lets the hug linger a little while longer before Alex shoves him a plate of waffles and bacon. 

Alex said he had Daisuke reschedule their gig and all appearances for the day. “You didn’t have to do that,” Denis says, shoving the fork on the waffle harder than he wants. “Music is what I love. That’s the reason I got kicked out in the first place.” 

“I know, but …” Alex hesitates. “Don’t you wanna take a bit of time off after what happened?” 

The thought never crossed his mind, and even if Alex has brought it up, he shakes his head. “Life goes on, I guess,” he says, a little bitterly. “If this is what I have to do, to do what I love …” He puts on a smile. “Everything should go well from now, right?” 

Alex doesn’t look convinced, but he nods and pulls Denis closer to him. “I’m always here for you, okay?” he says, tracing circles on the small of Denis’ back. 

Denis nods. He may have lost his home, but it’s never too late to find home someplace else. 

And this time, he finds his home in Alex.


	3. Track 03. Things Have Changed

_Now I can’t sing a love song_  
_Like the way it’s meant to be_  
_Well, I guess I’m not that good anymore_  
_But baby, that’s just me_

Denis finds himself in the record studio three days later, finding himself staring at a sheet of paper containing numbers he can’t imagine he’d see in his lifetime. He then looks up at Daisuke and Alex, who are looking at him expectantly. “It’s …” he starts, still in disbelief. “It’s a good thing they actually agreed to this.”

“We don’t have a choice.” Daisuke smiles and shrugs. “Outside Edge is not Outside Edge without you. And Michael and Zijun really want this reunion to happen.” He pauses. “So, what do you think?”

Denis sighs. “Let’s do this,” he says, taking the cap off his pen. It’s not like he has a choice. He already demanded so much from the production company. If he declines, he’d be such an inconvenience to many, and he’d get a negative reputation in the industry. There’s no way of escape.

And besides, he needs the money …

“Yes!” Daisuke pumps his fist in the air as Denis signs the contract. “I knew you can’t resist us!”

The next thing he knows, he’s being handed a clear file with all the schedules and information he needs for the project. Daisuke says they’ll adjust to his work schedule, which is not really a problem for Denis because his office is flexible in work hours. They start tomorrow. And deep inside, Denis actually can’t wait.

“Denis!” Alex is quick to grab him by the shoulder just before he gets up to leave. He glares at Daisuke, who immediately stands up to leave, so that now it’s just the two of them, that one scenario he had been avoiding since three days ago. “Hey …” he says, gulping. “Thanks … for agreeing to do this.”

Denis shrugs. “I needed the money,” he says instead. It’s not like he agreed to this because he wanted to see Alex again. _Not after what he did._

Alex’s expression doesn’t change, but he asks, “Don’t you miss playing with the band?”

“Yes,” Denis wants to say, but he stops himself. Instead, he gets ready to leave, but Alex stops him again. He’s tempted to yell, but there are people outside, and he doesn’t want to cause a scene.

“Wait,” Alex says, a little desperate. He cracks a small smile. “How are you? How’s your mom?”

Great, now he’s asking how he is? Suddenly he’s concerned? Denis sighs. “Mom’s sick. Been sick since last year.”

Alex’s face falls. “Sorry.”

Denis ignores that. He doesn’t need pity. “As for me? I quit Dice’s band and tried to get back to grad school, but all the business’ money went to Mom’s hospitalization, so I ended up working where I am right now. I stopped playing music a long time ago. I only agreed to this concert because I’m desperate. I’m the only one my mom relies on now.” He pauses, then asks, “Is that okay? You want more small talk?”

Alex starts to say “Denis, I’m sorry,” but Denis is quick this time and slams the door harder than he should have.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Coming back to the studio the next day feels like home. Most of the people he has worked with were still there, and they were sweet to order pizza and soda upon his arrival. Still, he avoids Alex as much as possible, even going so far as to sit beside Yuna as they wait for Michael and Zijun’s arrival.

Michael and Zijun were holding hands when they arrived in the conference room. They look starstruck upon shaking their hands, but their gazes back to each other are giddy and they almost always finish their sentences. Denis remembers that feeling, something he had already buried in the back of his mind.

“I really loved your debut song,” Zijun gushes, barely sitting still in her seat. “I have it on repeat. I don’t know why it speaks to me so much.”

Denis nods his thanks. It’s hard to believe that in the age of bubblegum pop and auto tune, their music is still relevant these days. But he’s glad. At least he still has something for people to remember him by.

“Uh,” Michael speaks up, a little hesitant, “a little personal question: Are you two back together?”

He hears Daisuke clearing his throat uncomfortably, and Denis’ answer is spontaneous. “No, we’re not,” he says, firmly. He catches Alex’s expression in his peripheral vision, and the older one looked like he wanted to say anything but. But it’s the truth, isn’t it? So Denis sits up straighter and puts on his most neutral smile. “Let’s get to work, shall we?”

The recording studio is more posh than he’s used to, but Denis doesn’t mind because it’s the creation of music that matters. Yuna lets them get settled in, and the strings on his fingers feel new to him. But the newness didn’t last for long. He hasn’t played in three years, yet he ached to play his guitar. And he finally got the chance today.

He doesn’t get to play much, though. It’s Michael and Zijun who will be in the spotlight, and while he’s planned to get his share of the vocals, the crowd will be going for them, and not him. Michael sings like he’s tone-deaf, but Zijun’s voice is decent. He finds himself rubbing his temple; maybe he should recommend to Yuna to delay the project to give the two vocal lessons.

Denis stops the two halfway their first run-through because he can’t take it anymore. It seems that Alex has also stopped drumming before Denis can stop the two, declaring “Your tone is flat!” Denis assumes it must have been for Michael because the boy looks down, his cheeks pink.

“He’s right,” Denis says, though reluctantly. He sings a bit of the verse, and tells them to sing just like that before telling the others to take it from the top.

But just as he’s saying that, he can hear Alex instructing to Maia and Josh to adjust their keys and to go easy on the first verse, which completely causes his blood to boil. He tries to call it out, but the two start to sing again.

There’s no change from Michael and Zijun on the second run-through, so he stops them again. “You know why I’m stopping you?” he says, arms crossed. “I don’t feel the two of you at all. You have to sing with all sincerity. Sing with all your heart! Just like with all other things, if you do things from the heart, it will be nothing short of beautiful.”

“Let’s try taking out some instruments,” Alex suggests. “But you’re right,” he quickly adds when Denis glares at him. “Maybe the thing is, no matter how good the arrangement, it won’t work when it’s not from the heart.” He forces a smile. “From the top?”

“Not yet.” Denis has had it. He takes huge strides towards where Alex is, causing Michael and Zijun to retreat to one side. “Why? Are you in a hurry?”

Alex’s eyes widen. “No. Sorry.”

“Well, obviously, the problem isn’t in the arrangement. You know, you don’t always know how to solve things.”

The silence that follows is stifling, and Alex scratches the back of his head. “That wasn’t my intention,” he explains. “I’m just trying to fix what’s wrong from my point of view, and I didn’t mean—”

“Precisely,” Denis interrupts him. “There you go again, Alex, always concerned with the technical stuff when it’s obvious that the problem is something else. You’re not always right, okay?”

“Denis, listen to me …”

“No, you listen. You’re not the boss here, Alex!”

Alex is about to say something, but the door slams open and when he looks over his shoulder, Yuna had just stomped in, with an ice-cold glare that made something inside him shrivel up into pieces.

“You two. In my office. Now.”

Yuna’s office has a stark gap to what she’s feeling right now. The office is bright and warm, but Yuna is pacing as if she’s out to kill them both. Denis looks down at the lush carpet and tries not to meet Alex’s eyes. They’re sitting beside each other and just waiting for whatever Yuna has to say, which is not going to be good.

Finally, Yuna stops pacing and leans against her mahogany desk, arms crossed. “What are you, sixteen? It was totally unprofessional of you to be arguing in front of them!”

Denis doesn’t say anything, and Alex remains silent, too.

“Please,” Yuna continues, sounding anything but pleading, “at the next rehearsal, agree on the arrangement ahead and settle your differences on how to do the song. I don’t give a fuck about your past! You signed a contract, and I agreed to all your unreasonable demands.” Denis can feel her glare on him. “The least you can do is to get your act together, show me some professionalism, and give me my money’s worth!”

And with a slam on her table, the conversation is over. Denis makes a small bow and mutters a soft “Sorry” and leaves the room, making huge strides before Alex can catch up to him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Denis wonders why he got himself into this mess. It’s been three years since he promised himself to stay away from music for good. He loved music; he knows he never felt any happier when he started playing again. 

But look where that brought him now? His mother was right. Passion can only do so much. 

He has to quit this project. For his sanity’s sake. 

He goes to the studio a little earlier to meet Daisuke in his office. His former manager looks pleasantly surprised to see him walk in. “We’re not rehearsing until later,” he says. 

“I can’t do this anymore, Dai,” Denis says, cutting to the chase. “This is harder than I thought it would be.” 

Daisuke doesn’t look surprised, but he sighs and tucks his chin on his hand, silent for a few seconds in deep contemplation. When he’s done, he gestures for Denis to sit down, and when Denis does, he speaks. “Denis, we can’t back out now, and we can’t postpone this project to a later date. We’ll be ruined if we give them less than what they expect.” 

“But …” 

“We signed a contract,” Daisuke continues. “We smoothened this out before we agreed to this. Heck, Alex gave up his talent fee just so you’d say yes. Now—” 

“What?” Denis almost exclaims, sitting up straighter. “Alex gave up his talent fee?” 

Daisuke nods, smiling. “That’s how much he wants this to happen,” he says. “And he really wants to help you.” 

Denis’ mind draws a blank, not exactly sure what to say at that moment. All that’s in his mind is the fact that _Alex gave up his talent fee_. Just so he can be in this project, too. 

The rest of the conversation is really blurry, because the next thing he knows is that he’s taking the elevator and walking out of the building. On the way out, he hears a familiar voice calling his name, and when he looks over his shoulder, it’s Alex. 

Alex. 

He feels his blood boil. 

“Hey,” Alex says, sounding concerned. “Where are you going? What happened?” 

“None of your business,” Denis replies brusquely as he opens the door and heads out. 

“Hey, wait! Aren’t they there yet? We’re gonna start rehearsals in a bit!” 

Denis ignores the questions. He looks out onto the streets, raising his hand at the approaching cab. 

“Hey, Denis, did something happen?” Alex asks, still concerned. 

Denis sighs angrily as he finally faces Alex. “Will you stop being concerned about me?” he snaps. “You’re getting way out of line, and you’re getting on my nerves!” 

Alex looks frozen in place. “Denis …” 

“Did I ask you to give me your talent fee?” Denis seethes as Alex’s eyes widen. “Why? You think you’d save me? What will Maia and Josh think, that I’m hungry for money while you’re some kind of martyr? Wow, Alex, you’re amazing. Since when were you concerned for others?” 

Alex’s face pales. His mouth opens as if to say something, but no words come out. The cab arrives in front of him, and Denis is about to get in, but he wants to make things clear. 

Denis shakes his head. “Let me remind you that you’re out of my life. If I need your help, I’ll ask for it. But if I don’t, don’t offer your help because it means I’m fine. I can help myself, and I was fine without you for three years. Now if you’ll excuse me.” 

“Denis, wait a minute—!” 

Denis doesn’t give Alex the chance to say something as he opens the door, and slides in the cab quickly, telling the cab driver to hurry. 

He doesn’t look back, doesn’t wonder to check if Alex is chasing after him.


	4. Track 04. The Last Six Months

_It’s all ending_  
_I gotta stop pretending who we are …_  
_You and me I can see us dying … are we?_

_Three years ago ..._

A year passes, and normalcy is quick to seep in. A day after he was kicked out, Denis moved out of Alex and Maia’s apartment and to Stephane’s house. It wasn’t his first time in Stephane’s posh apartment, but nothing beats the comfort of his own home. Most of the time, he still misses his mother, but after several phone calls and a visit to his house, he gives up around the third month of being kicked out.

Music is his sanctuary throughout it all. Now that he’s no longer in school, he has more time for rehearsals, gigs, interviews, and other media appearances. Denis has more time for his songs now, writing whenever the rush gets to him. Most of his free days are spent with the band, whether music-related or just plain fun. Of course, he spends more time with Alex, and perhaps, Alex really is home to him more than ever.

The next thing he knows, management is talking about their second album. They’ve asked them to come up with a concept. Management is giving them leeway to compose their own songs, then based on their chosen concept, they’ll talk to some composers who have worked with more famous bands. It sounds like a dream to Denis, but he knows now how important this is. They’ve proven they’re someone to watch out for after the first album; now, the second album should prove that they’re someone to stay.

“This is exciting, isn’t it?” Maia says once their meeting with management has ended. “Our second album!”

“I’m more nervous about finding the perfect concept, to be honest,” Josh admits. “So, how are we going to brainstorm?”

“Not today, I’m afraid,” Daisuke says, looking at his watch. “It’s close to 10p.m. We should all be getting home.”

“How about this?” Alex says, a hand raised. “We each try to come up with concepts, and then we meet again when someone is ready to present, then we decide what we think?”

“That’s fine.” Daisuke nods. “Let’s see what we can work on from there.”

“You already have an idea for a concept, don’t you?” Denis asks when he leaves with Alex and Maia.

“Of course he does!” Maia giggles when Alex takes Denis’ hand in his. “If I know it better, Alex already has concepts for our next five albums!”

“I do not!” Alex says defensively, his cheeks red as Denis laughs. “But I think I might have something in mind already. You’re gonna love it!”

“I always love everything you do.” Denis barely bats an eyelash as he says that, ignoring the gagging noises Maia is making.

Alex is strangely secretive on his concept idea. Denis tries to poke it out of him, even resorting to bribing him with his favorite greasy burger, but every attempt doesn’t work. In the end, he gives up and tries to think of a concept of his own.

Alex finally announces to everyone a week later that he’s ready to debut his concept to the band. They have dinner and beer in a diner before they head to the studio. Alex hands his notes to Josh, who frowns at the piece of paper before strumming his guitar as warmup before they perform the real thing.

The sound is something different from what Denis is used to hearing. It has rock undertones, but nevertheless, the song is catchy. He tries to imagine himself and the band singing it, but unfortunately, he can’t seem to make it work. His heart sinks, because he wants to like whatever Alex likes, but this time, it just doesn’t work for him.

When Alex finishes, he scans the group with an expectant grin on his face. “So?” he says. “How was that for our first single from our second album?”

His gaze stops at Denis, and he feels the immense pressure to reply with something nice, precisely because he’s the boyfriend. He tries to think of the best answer he can, but he knows he has to tell the truth. “Um …” he says. “It’s good.”

Alex’s face brightens up. “Yeah?”

Oh, great. This is going to be harder than he thought. But he has to tell the truth. For the band. “For me, yeah, it’s very Alex. But …” He takes a deep breath. Here goes. “Wouldn’t it be better to stick to what we’re known for?”

Alex face falls at the reply. “Well, a few weeks ago, I was listening to the tracks of our first album, and I thought, aren’t our songs a bit too heavy? Why not try another approach. A new sound, if you will.”

“Alex,” Daisuke says, scratching his sales. “You can’t argue with sales. You gotta admit, your first album was the fastest-selling album we’ve seen from a rookie in years.”

“But we grow as musicians, right?” Alex argues, and Daisuke scratches his head. “Let’s explore other themes. I was thinking that on the second album, let’s do a bit more rock. Let’s go for a more technical rock.”

“But …” Denis speaks up, hesitating for a moment. “That’s not really Outside Edge. It’s you, Alex. Just you.”

Alex’s eyes widen, then looks at the rest of the group, who are nodding. “But what is Outside Edge? Overly dramatic songs? Songs about heartbreak?” He scoffs. “Don’t you get tired of those? That’s not really Outside Edge either. That’s just Denis.”

Denis feels a stab to his chest. That’s not fair. “You know what? I get you, Alex.” he says, trying not to raise his voice. Alex looks more expectant at those words. “If you really want to get technical, for the band to show off our talent, that’s going to come out either way.” He catches Maia nodding. “But for me, the content is more important. A song is only as good as its meaning.” Josh nods as well. “Because what good is a song with impressive melody but no one can relate to?”

But Alex doesn’t look convinced. “Well then, how about this? Why don’t we vote? Sticking to what we do or trying a new sound? Hmm?”

Josh looks contrite. “Sorry, Alex, but I agree with Denis.” He flinches when Alex looks at him incredulously. “We got famous because of our brand in our first album. And I’m personally not yet tired of our sound.”

Alex frowns at the answer, looking at Maia, his last hope because of filial ties.

Maia is equally apologetic. “Sorry, Alex. I feel the same way. I believe we have to play songs with soul. Our fans might get divided when we suddenly go all rock.”

“Okay,” Daisuke says, a hand up. “Nothing’s final yet until we find the final song that’s perfect for our first single. Denis is right—content first before form. Okay?”

Everyone nods, but Alex. Instead, he runs a hand through his hair and stands up. “I’m gonna go get some air,” he says before taking his leave.

“Hey,” Maia says, wrapping her arms around Denis as soon as the tension has subsided somewhat. “Don’t think about it too much. Alex has a lot of pride in the work he does, but he won’t let that get in the way of you two, okay?”

Denis sighs. He knows that. He and Alex have been together for more than a year, and creative differences never got in the way. But still, he fears that one day, it’s these creative differences that’s going to put an end to them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He forgets about the incident, eventually. Alex makes no comment of it, and their relationship goes on without any arguments. Sometimes, Denis has this nagging feeling, but he shrugs it off, instead focusing on writing something for the next album. The brainstorming stage for the second album is more difficult than the first. Now that they’ve established themselves, the pressure to deliver better content is sometimes overwhelming. But Denis always finds the reason why he does what he does, and composes his songs.

Still, life goes on in the midst of brainstorming. It was Denis’ birthday, and Stephane was generous enough to give them his apartment so they can celebrate. Maia made his cake, Alex made his favorite food, and Josh, Dice, and Daisuke provided everything else, including the beer. They spend the whole night talking about anything but the upcoming album, which is a welcome diversion from the pressure.

The night is starting to wrap up when Daisuke fishes out an envelope from his jacket pocket. “By the way, Denis, I have a birthday present for you,” he announces.

“What is it?” Denis asks, taking the letter out of the envelope, although he’s still looking at Daisuke for some sort of explanation.

Daisuke chuckles. “Read the letter.”

Denis does, and his eyes widen as he scans the contents of the letter. “They’re inviting me?” he says, his voice squeaking. “They’re inviting me to music camp?”

“Oh my god, really?” Josh exclaims, snatching the letter from Denis’ hands. He browses the letter, and his jaw drops. “You’re invited to be a mentor? Even if you’re just a rookie? Damn!”

Denis hasn’t gotten to that part of the letter yet. “For real?” He snatches the letter again to continue what he’s reading. It’s true. Back then, all he wanted was to show his idols what he’s got, to confirm that music is something he loves, and now … He’ll be the one guiding people who were just like him. It’s unreal. He doesn’t even know if he’s worthy and experienced enough to mentor yet.

“Congratulations!” Maia squeals, pulling him to a hug. “You can do it!”

Denis glances at Alex, who is chugging down his beer after a small smile. The nagging feeling is back again.

He thinks about the invitation throughout the party. It’s a huge once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, no doubt. Being invited means you’re one of the best of the best. It’s strange for a newbie like him to be invited a year into his career, and the thought makes him excited.

But … he steals a glance at Alex, who has been quiet ever since Denis got his invitation. It’s clear that Alex wants to be a mentor for a second year in a row. And to tell the truth, Alex is more of a veteran than he is. And even if it’s against Denis wishes, he realizes Alex will not make a fool out of himself to these wide-eyed music camp attendees.

Alex and Maia had stayed behind to clean up. Maia had finished her job and had went to the bathroom to freshen up, giving Denis a chance to talk about it. “Do you want me to go to the music camp instead?”

Whatever clanking of plates Alex is making stops. There’s a short pause, before he says, “You should go.”

“It’s just that I don’t think I deserve to be a mentor?” Denis continues, shrugging as he places the glasses on the sink. “I wouldn’t know what to say.”

“You can do it. You’re good.” Alex’s tone sounds monotonous than supportive.

“Not as good as you, though. I’ll call Dai so you can take my place—”

There’s the sound of plates being dropped on the sink harder than Denis would like it to be. Denis jumps at the sound, but he freezes at Alex glaring at him. Alex had glared at him before—whenever teasing ensues—but this look is different.

“Are you making fun of me?”

This is a side of Alex that Denis has never seen before. They’ve had their share of arguments before, but nothing that will make Alex like this, shoulders hunched, voice icy. The sight gets his chest constricting, his throat dry. “Huh …?” is all he manages to say.

“The invitation’s clear, right? It’s for Denis Ten. That’s not like a concert ticket you can just give away if you don’t feel like going.”

Denis feels a huge lump in his throat. It’s not like he wants to give it away. It’s just … “Alex, do we have a problem?” he asks instead, his voice shaking. “Is there something we have to talk about?” Because if there is, he wants this to be solved already. The worst feeling is coming to the studio and enduring awkward conversations or enduring cold, silent car rides.

Alex widens his eyes, as if coming to his senses. He moves forward and pulls Denis close to him. “Hey, I’m sorry for saying that,” he whispers, kissing Denis’ forehead. “I’m just under a lot of pressure right now.”

Of course, he is. Denis nods and understands. “Okay,” he sniffs. When they pull away, Alex is back to his usual self, and he breathes a sigh of relief. “I could help you, you know. You want us to compose together?”

Alex hesitates and before he can answer, they hear Maia’s voice, a sign that she’s ready to go home. “I’ll be fine.” He leans forward and kisses Denis on the lips before taking his leave with his sister.

The only thing is, Denis finds his lips cold instead of tingling.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Since then, Alex has been a hard book to read. One day, they’d be totally fine, Alex all sweet and affectionate towards him. (Though frankly, even those moments have decreased.) Another day, he’d be cold and distant, preferring to stay behind in the studio as they record their new album. (They’ve come to a compromise of sticking to their genre while adding a few “rock” songs.)

“You know, it would be better to just have a talk with him,” Caro tells him when Denis talks of this on their usual bonding time in Stephane’s place.

“I tried,” Denis says dejectedly, accepting the pint of ice cream Stephane just handed him. “But he keeps changing the topic or deciding he has to do something.”

Stephane sighs. “Why does such a gorgeous man be such a jerk?”

“He’s not.” Denis glares at his friend. “He’s just under a lot of pressure right now.”

They have more of these conversations as time goes by, and Denis never got to talk to Alex about … this, their relationship. Every day, being with Alex feels like a burden more than anything else, but Alex is a magnet that still draws Denis back in. Denis tries as hard as he can—he agrees with Alex’s ideas, says yes to whatever Alex wants. It’s draining, but if it keeps Alex happy, he should be happy, too.

… Right?

Life goes on. One of their friends in the music industry got married and he pushes those thoughts at the back of his mind. Easier said than done when you’re in a wedding. All those vows and loving stares of the couple makes Denis wonder if he and Alex would ever have that sort of thing.

He finds his hand on Alex’s. Alex doesn’t squeeze his hand, only intertwines their fingers as if it’s routine.

They go through the wedding reception listening to speeches, watching the newlyweds cry and have their first dance, after which DJ Misha Ge puts the crowd into a more festive mood than ever. The rockeoke booth was officially open, and Denis watches as his friends and idols take turns singing in the goofiest way possible. He catches Josh and Maia making knowing glances at Alex so they can have their turn, but Alex is too busy checking his phone.

Suddenly, he hears Dice’s voice, and when Denis looks, he’s in the stage, grinning at his direction.

“Hey, so,” Dice starts, his band setting up behind him, “I know this is our band, but I’d like to request to have a surprise guest duet with me. And if it isn’t obvious yet, that surprise guest is Outside Edge’s secret weapon. They’d be nothing without him. Everyone, Denis Ten!”

Denis’ eyes widen as the crowd cheers and the spotlight is put on him. Daisuke has given him a pat on the back, and Maia and Josh have stood up to pull him out of his seat and into the stage. When he gazes at the crowd, Alex is smiling, though tight-lipped.

Part of him feels this is a bad idea. But another part of him feels exhilarated. He had been singing with Outside Edge for more than a year, but suddenly, he wants to sing with someone else, even for just tonight. He shrugs all worries away and grabs the mic. “Dice and I used to jam back in college, so it’s been a while!” He grins back at Dice. “Let’s do this!”

And it certainly was fun. Having a duet with Dice brought back memories of them sitting in the steps of the study hall, singing together. By the end of it all, he and Dice share a hug, though not as lingering as their previous ones. He may not have those feelings for Dice again, but he was glad he was able to recover the feeling of having fun with music again.

Finally, the reception is over. Maia, the usual third wheel, opted out to crash at Madison’s place. While Denis welcomes the change, this makes things a little harder. Alex has drunk a little more than usual, and it’s a struggle for Denis to help him walk to the parking lot.

“Look who’s got a big smile,” Alex drawls, and Denis almost stumbles at the shift of the weight.

“Huh?” Denis asks.

“Was it fun jamming with Dice again?”

Denis rolls his eyes. He knows where this is going. By this time, they’ve reached the car. “Oh, come on, Alex.”

“Isn’t it obvious? You had such a great time?” And he proceeds to sing his and Dice’s duet from earlier.

He catches several passersby staring, and Denis knows this can go out of hand. “Alex, you’re drunk!” he hisses, quickly fishing the car keys from Alex’s pants pocket. “Come on, let’s go home.”

“So you wanna get back together with Dice?”

“Alex, please. Stop it.”

But Alex scoffs. “You got to jam with him again, and you look over the moon?” He leans against the car. “Okay, game! You want to switch bands, go! Since you’re so happy in your lovey-dovey reunion.”

Denis gasps. “Can’t I just be happy because I enjoyed jamming with him?” he retorts.

“You know, your happiness is starting to annoy me.”

Denis feels a lump forming in his throat. Granted, Alex is drunk, but his words are poison right now. “My happiness annoys you?”

“I got you into this, right?” Word after word, poison darts shooting in his chest. “I got you into this band. Without me, you’re nothing! I just want a little respect.”

“Alex, what are you talking about?” Denis hears his voice breaking as tears threaten to fall down.

Alex opens the car door, but doesn’t go in. “I worked hard for so many years to get this far. It’s so unfair that you … you didn’t have to do anything to get their respect. Hell, they respect you even more than me! It’s just so hard that …” He’s crying, too, but he shakes his head. “Every single day I’m with you, I’ll always be reminded that I’m a failure. Because that’s how you make me feel. You make me feel like I’m a failure, Denis.”

Denis can’t control the sob that comes out of his mouth. It’s his fault? Alex is feeling the pressure because of him? It can’t be true, but ... “Alex, please,” he pleads. “I’m your boyfriend, not your rival. We’re in this together, aren’t we?” He tries to take Alex’s hands, but Alex doesn’t return the gesture. “What’s mine is yours. We’re not supposed to surpass each other. So, please. Please, don’t think of me that way.”

Alex looks at him for a long time, and Denis has this glimmer of hope that maybe his boyfriend has had a realization that he’s thinking things the wrong way. But that glimmer is quick to fade when Alex shakes his head and gets in the car, barely saying a word to him afterwards.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He spends the last few days in a trance-like state, barely eating and sleeping. He doesn’t call Alex after that night, and Alex doesn’t call him either. He figures Alex needs space, and so does he. Singing with Dice that night made him remember why he wants this career in the first place. And Alex’s drunken rant made him realize how, for the past few months, he had been so stifled.

Still, his love for Alex wins over. He knows he and Alex have something special, and he wants to know how much Alex means to him. He finds himself staring into whatever is in front of him, letting the melodies and the words come to him.

Finally, he finds the motivation to write and strum his guitar. He finishes the song in 30 minutes—a record time. He gathers Caro and Stephane in his room and plays and sings away. He closes his eyes and imagines Alex listening to it and having a realization that he’s here, that they’re in this together, no matter what happens.

When he finishes, there’s a soft applause. When he opens his eyes, Caro is dabbing the edges of her eyes with her handkerchief, and Stephane is sniffing. “That’s so beautiful,” Caro says, a little choked up.

“Do you think … Alex will like this?” he asks.

“Who cares about Alex?” Caro scoffs. When Denis flinches, her tone softens. “As long as you’re happy with this, that’s all that matters.”

He’s happy about this, to be honest. He wants to sing this to the band in their next meeting, but most of all, he wants Alex to listen to it, realize its message. And hopefully, things will turn out for the better.

He performs the song in their studio and sings and plays just like he did in front of Caro and Stephane. Maia and Josh seem to enjoy it, and Daisuke is nodding in approval. He can’t read Alex’s face, but he hopes he’s getting the message across.

When he finishes, everyone but Alex breaks into applause. Maia opens her mouth to say something, but it’s Alex’s cold voice that cuts throughout the room.

“If you’ve got something to say, say it to my face. Don’t make a song about it.”

“Alex, come on,” Daisuke says, aghast. “Denis just wanted us to hear a song. It’s just a song.”

“Since when were Denis’ songs just songs? Go tell your composer that not everything in his heart has to be put into a song for us to hear. Sometimes, you have to be upfront, not hidden behind a song.” With that, Alex throws his drumsticks on the ground and slams the door of the recording room on his way out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daisuke had decided that the group needed a break to think of the concept for the album, of which management agrees to. Denis decides they need it, too. Alex ignores him after storming out of the recording studio, neither would he reply to his texts and calls. Denis feels the most helpless he has ever felt, the guiltiest, too.

“It’s not your fault,” Stephane tells him over the third movie in their marathon. Denis barely registers that they’ve already watched three films because he wasn’t paying attention. “He was a jerk for taking it out on you like that. He should have talked to you calmly and rationally.”

Denis knows that, but … “I wish I can do something …” he sighs, burying his head in his pillow.

“Talk to him!” Stephane huffs. “I’ve been trying to tell you that for the past few days. If you clear the air now, then you can save your relationship.”

He sits up straighter and nods. They need this. They need to talk.

“Alex should be home,” Maia tells him that night. “He hasn’t left the house all week. To be honest, I’m pretty worried. I tried getting something out of him, but he doesn’t want to talk about it.”

Denis sighs. Even Alex is not opening up to Maia, and that’s saying something. “I’ll drop by tomorrow morning,” he says.

“I won’t be there,” Maia says. “I have a thing out of town that I can’t get out of. I hope you two figure things out, though.”

“I hope so, too,” Denis says, then hangs up.

He embarks to Alex and Maia’s place early morning the next day. The siblings live in a house in a quiet street, and at this time, no one is out despite the supposed morning rush. He spots the house less than a mile away, and he quickens his steps, the same pace as his heartbeat.

He’s barely reached the house when he sees the door open. He sees a woman stepping out of the house, dressed in a sleeveless top and jeans. He recognizes that plum lipstick anywhere—Madison. But what is Madison doing here when Maia’s out of town?

He sees Alex step out of the house as well, not yet aware that Denis is in the vicinity. The two chat up for a little bit, before Madison leans in to kiss Alex.

Denis feels his face flame up, his chest tighten at the sight. He barely catches the sight of Alex shifting his gaze at him, but Denis finds himself stepping backwards before finally turning around and running away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, their imposed break is over, and they are scheduled to report back to work. Alex doesn’t call him nor text him since that day; it’s either he didn’t really notice Denis on that day or he’s just being infuriating. The only time he texted again was to tell Denis that management has booked a gig for them, for some summer-ender event, and that he’s going to pick them up. He says yes, anyway, even if the kiss he saw is burned at the back of his head.

He thought Alex would at least look apologetic, but he doesn’t. He has a frown on his face, and he tells Denis to get in because they’re already late.

The ride to the gig is quiet. There are thousands of scripts going through Denis’ head as he figures out the right way to talk to Alex. Infuriatingly enough, Alex doesn’t offer conversation either, choosing to focus on the road ahead. The cold draft from the AC causes Denis to lower it; he can’t think properly at this rate.

“Hey,” Alex says, “don’t lower the AC. It’s hot in here.”

“Then I’ll get cold,” Denis snaps.

“Well, this is _my_ car.”

“Your car?” Denis scoffs. “Alex, we’ve been together for two years. At this point, isn’t this our car?” He clearly remembers him and Alex sharing the expenses on the car after management gave them a year-end bonus.

“My name is on this car,” Alex points out.

“I had the AC fixed.”

“Did I tell you to have this fixed?” There’s no denying the rolling of Alex’s eyes.

“You didn’t have to,” Denis says through gritted teeth. “Because if I didn’t have this fixed, we’d have the windows down during our summer drive.”

“I could have it fixed,” he hears Alex mumble. “I just didn’t have the time.”

“You didn’t have the time to take it for a car wash, so I had it washed. You didn’t have the time to have the oil changed, so I had the oil changed. You didn’t have the time to gas up, so I had the tank filled!”

“So what now, we’re counting favors?” Alex scoffs again.

“Yeah, we might as well count! So that you’ll realize, or even just notice, that between the two of us, you receive more than you give! I love you, but I’m getting tired!”

“Where the fuck is this coming from?!” Alex almost swerves on the road, causing loud beeps from the cars around them.

“Where am _I_ coming from?” Denis says it before he can even process what he’s about to say. “From your flirting!” He watches as Alex’s eyes widen.

“What are you talking about? Can you stop yelling?”

“Oh, you’re mad?” Denis snaps. “You have the right to get mad? You’re the one with some girl sleeping at his house and now you’re mad?” He watches as Alex’s eyes widen. “What? You think I didn’t know? I saw that Madison coming out of your house!”

“Denis, nothing happened, okay?” Denis would have accepted the excuse, but Alex was insistent than apologetic.

“Nothing happened?” He can’t help but raise his voice. “A girl spends the night, leaves in the morning, and you said nothing happened? So what, did you have drum lessons, is that it? I’ve been calling you during our whole break, and I didn’t get a single answer from you! I saw you two kiss when she left your house, and you have the guts to tell me nothing happened? Don’t take me for an idiot!”

“What the fuck, we have a gig!” Alex exclaims. “Your timing is really impeccable, huh?”

“Wow, we’re on the brink of breaking up, and all you think of is timing? Is timing more important, Alex? That band? That goddamn band? It’s always about you—”

“Stop it! I’ve had enough!”

“Is that your problem? Okay, fine! I’m done! I quit your band, now let me out!”

“What’s your problem?!” Alex almost screams. “Did I tell you to leave the band?”

“You didn’t have to tell me,” Denis snaps. “I’ve had enough. Let me out, now!”

He expects Alex to continue driving, but surprisingly, he pulls up the car on the side of the street. He looks at Denis and leans forward, gaze ominous. “You want to leave my band?” he says. “Do me a favor. Get out of my life. Now, go!”

Denis finds himself frozen despite hearing the car doors unlock. “I’m only leaving the band!” he says.

“You don’t have to say it.” Alex’s voice is ice-cold. “I’m letting you leave. And please, don’t ever come back.”

Denis’ legs feel like lead as he steps out of the car. As he watches Alex drive away, he finds himself falling to his knees, his shoulders heaving in sobs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He doesn’t know how he’s able to get home, but he does. He’s leaning against the door of his bedroom, a blanket around his shoulders and a tray of cold tea next to him. From outside, he can barely make out Stephane and Caro’s hushed conversation, but he knows too well that they’re talking about him.

Suddenly, he hears the doorbell ring, and he freezes at the voice that’s calling his name. Alex. The tears start to stream down his face, and he buries his face in his knees as he tries to drown out the voice, hoping he’ll go away.

He hears the door opening and Alex asking, “Is Denis here?”

“Yes,” Stephane says, and Denis wants to hit his best friend for giving away his location. But then again, he doesn’t want to see Alex after what happened earlier.

“Can I go talk to him? I made a really big mistake, and I want to set things right.”

He hears Caro’s voice. “Alex, it’s two in the morning. Denis is already asleep.”

“Oh, okay.” Alex sounds disappointed. “I’ll come back tomorrow …”

“Alex,” Caro interrupts with a sigh. “I know what happened between you and Denis. But I think you two need to have some space for a while before you’re ready to talk.”

“But—”

“Right now, Denis is asleep, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to see you right now.” Caro’s voice is uncharacteristically sharp. “Just give the both of yourselves some time to think about where this is heading.”

There’s a long pause, but eventually, Denis hears the door closing, and he heaves a sigh of relief. He finds his eyes closing again, and he finds himself going into deep slumber. Maybe this is all a bad dream …

When he wakes up the next day, the sun is streaming from his window, his back and bottom are sore, his eyes burn, there are hundreds of missed calls from Alex, and one text message that says “ _I need to talk to you. I’m so sorry._ ”

But despite reading the message, Denis finds himself deleting it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Each day feels like a blur following the breakup. He finds himself lying on his bed all day that he can’t figure out what time it is anymore. His phone keeps buzzing until it runs out of battery. He cries every time a memory of Alex comes up, and he cries even when he doesn’t think of Alex. He’s pretty sure Caro and Stephane have snuck in trays of food, but he ignores them all.

“Come on, Denis,” Caro tells him. “You’ve been starving away for days. You need to eat.”

“Not hungry.”

“I know you don’t have much of an appetite, but you haven’t been hungry for three days, and everyone has limits,” Stephane says. “Look at you. You look terrible!”

“I don’t care.”

“Denis,” Caro says, in a voice that would usually get him and Stephane sitting or standing up straight. “You had the biggest heartbreak of your life, I get it. But life goes on. You need to live it again.”

“I know, but …” Denis sniffs. “It’s so hard …”

“I know.” He feels a weight on the edge of the bed, and a soothing hand on his back. “That’s why we’re here to help.”

Denis finds himself nodding. He shifts so he can look at his friends, his cheeks turning red when he hears his stomach growl. “I could use some comfort food right now.”

“That’s the spirit. Come on, we have food in the kitchen that can feed you for weeks!”

So Denis tries to live, to move on. He changes his phone number and deactivates his social media accounts. He doesn’t read the newspapers or checks the Internet for news about the band, though he hears Caro and Stephane talking about Daisuke releasing an official statement about Outside Edge’s disbandment. He feels bad for leaving Daisuke, Maia, and Josh hanging, but if being back in the band means being a “rival” to Alex’s career, then he knows he can’t be in it anymore.

Eventually, Caro and Stephane finally convince him to go out of the house. He was forced to walk around everywhere, with his two friends spoiling him in free food, movies, and spa treatments. Soon, he finds himself relaxing. He hasn’t felt this relaxed in days.

Still, he’d go home and to his room and find his guitar sitting in the corner. Before, he’d plop on his bed and strum his guitar without hesitation, but now …

Denis picks up his guitar, the strings feeling cold against his fingers. He sighs, and opens his closet, stuffing it at the farthest area, where he’ll never have to see it again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He runs into Alex again when he was in a café with Caro and Stephane. It was a breezy afternoon, and his friends were discussing work-related matters and with Denis content sitting back and listening in. A part of him feels a pang of jealousy as his two friends talk. Here they are talking about something he knows, but he knows he can’t partake because he gave up on that expertise two years ago.

But now, he’s out of the band, and he has nowhere to go.

Or maybe it’s not too late …? After all, he only took a leave of absence in graduate school. It’s going to take some adjusting, but at least he can graduate and get a job with solid income.

He’s in the middle of his thoughts when he hears someone call his name. He looks over his shoulder, and his blood freezes. Alex is standing right behind him, looking worse than he last saw him, but there’s a small, uncertain smile on his face. “Hi.”

Denis feels his throat dry up, but he feels his body act mechanically, getting up and making his way outside. He barely hears his friends call him, and reality only sinks in again when he feels a hand around his wrist.

“Denis, can we talk?” Alex asks, pleadingly.

“No.”

“Please talk to me, Denis? Please?” Alex sounds desperate, but Denis knows if he gives Alex a chance, he’ll fall back to his arms, something he’s not sure he wants anymore. When Denis keeps walking on, he finds Alex catching up, handing him a CD. “If you don’t wanna talk, just take this.” When Denis ignores the proffered item, he pleads, “Denis, it can’t end like this. Let’s talk, please? I’m sorry. I didn’t know what—”

He stops in his tracks at those words. “You didn’t know?” he says, the sharpness of his voice surprising him. “You know, Alex. You should know by now how you treated me because of that ego of yours. You want to be the only one who’s good. You’re so sore over my success that you’ve done nothing but compare yourself to me. You got into a relationship, Alex. We should be loving each other and not competing against each other.”

“Denis … that’s not true. I love you.”

Denis wants to believe that, but he can’t find himself to. He shakes his head. “Are you just saying that because you’re scared for your band? Of what will happen to you and your ambition?” When Alex doesn’t reply, he adds, “The fact is, you don’t love me, Alex. You only love yourself. Because if you really love me, you would be happy for me.”

“Denis, that’s the truth,” Alex insists. “I love you. _I love you_.”

“Can’t you just stick to ‘Sorry’? It’s easier to swallow,” he snaps, tears threatening to fall down his cheeks once more. “But don’t say you love me. I’m tired of hearing it from you. I’m tired of loving you.”

And with that, he walks away, and Alex doesn’t try to catch up to him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Present day ..._

“Denis, wait!”

He’s walking as fast as he can, when he feels Alex’s strong grasp around his wrist. He turns around and jerks his arm to free from the grasp, seething. “What?”

“Denis, please—”

“Leave me alone!”

“I just wanna say I’m sorry.”

Denis freezes in place and looks at Alex carefully. Alex is looking at him pleadingly, and back then, Denis knew he would forgive Alex right then and there. But that was three years ago, and Denis had changed. Suddenly, he finds all the pent-up feelings ready to come out. “You’re sorry?” he says, disgusted at how the word means nothing to him right now.

“I’m sorry for hurting you,” Alex continues, tears on the edges of his eyes. “I’m sorry if I was a terrible person. I’m sorry for everything.”

“Fine! I forgive you.” Denis spews out the words with three years’ worth of animosity. “Is that what you want? Can I go now?”

“Denis, please …” Alex says, tears already falling down his cheeks. “Let it all out on me; I can take it. I just want to ask for your forgiveness. I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I’m no longer the Alex you knew. I’ve changed for you. I still love you.”

With those words, Denis finds his hand raised, and the next thing he knows, his hand is smarting, and there’s a red mark on Alex’s cheek. “Asshole!” the words are quick to come out of his mouth. “Do you know what you’re saying? What do you mean you still love me? After three years, you still love me? Who do you think you’re kidding?”

“I’m sorry,” Alex chokes out. When Denis shakes his head, he asks, “Don’t you love me anymore?”

Denis doesn’t know how to answer that, but he knows one thing is sure. “You killed me, Alex,” he says, voice low, his vision blurry as well. “I loved you, and you killed me.”

And with that, he walks away, his heart stinging at every sob Alex makes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Caro’s house is the nearest, and his friend is there just in time. He was promptly made to sit in the living room couch before being handed a glass of water, and Denis just lets all the emotions out. 

“If only forgetting were that easy …” he mutters with a bitter smile. “But it’s not. Especially if he’s the one you’ve always dreamed of. The dream that you entrusted your whole life to. The one who made you believe this is it, you’ve found him. Someone who will make you happy, and never hurt you. Someone to offer your songs to, your life to. How can you forget someone like that?” 

Caro has a hand on her chin, her elbow on the couch’s head. She doesn’t look convinced at what Denis had just said. “Really, Denis?” she says. “Is forgetting what you really wanted to do?” 

Denis blinks at his friend, confused. 

“You know what?” Caro continues. “I don’t think that’s going to happen. I think you need to forgive. Not for his sake. But for yours. Until you do, you’re stuck in the past, in that part of your life that hurts. Think about it. The world keeps spinning. But you … where are you? You haven’t moved.” 

Denis doesn’t say anything, and Caro stands up to go inside her room. She returns with a CD and hands it to him. Denis remembers this CD, the one Alex tried to give him three years ago. 

“Give it a listen,” Caro says, a hand on his. “And get closure.” 

He plops the CD on his music player that night as soon as he gets home. There’s no musical accompaniment, just Alex’s singing voice. He closes his eyes and listens, as if wind just brushed past him. _I’m sorry_ , Alex’s words reverberate through his head, and he can’t stop the tears falling down his cheeks. 

The music stops, and Denis opens his eyes to grab his guitar. He plays the music again, and this time, he strums along, whispering the words _I’m sorry_ in tune with Alex’s.


	5. Track 05. Is This Where It Ends?

_Think of me when you close your eyes_  
_But don’t look back when you break all ties_  
_Think of me when you’re coming down_  
_But don’t look back when leaving town today_

It’s a little awkward to return to the studio the next day after his confrontation with Alex, but he does, anyway. If he doesn’t show up, he’s sure Yuna will be asking for his head in a silver platter. That, and he needs to talk to Alex, for both their sakes …

He arrives in the studio to see Michael walking out. “Hey,” he says, stopping the boy before he could walk out. “Michael, is there something wrong?”

Michael looks frustrated, scratching the back of his head. “I’m so sorry,” he says. “I tried as best as I can, but …” He shakes his head. “I have to go clear my head.” Without providing a clearer explanation, he leaves.

He finds Zijun in the recording room, her red eyes staring into nothingness. He tries to put on a comforting smile as he approaches her. “You two had an argument?” he asks.

Zijun sniffs and nods. “We were trying to feel the message of the song, but …” She doesn’t continue her sentence and cries instead.

Denis sighs. Just when he thought he’s going to do his best at work today … “Let’s get you some ice cream, and let’s talk. How does that sound?”

He takes Zijun to a convenience store to buy ice cream cones before sitting in a nearby bench. Zijun has calmed down somewhat and has proceeded to narrate the argument that happened, their romantic history on-screen and off-screen, and her doubts about their future.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” Zijun says as she finishes the last of her cone. “We’ve been great for the past two years, but now … I’ve been told we should take a break, but …” She closes her eyes as if to stop tears from falling. “Why is it so hard?”

Denis finds himself looking at the view before them. Far away, he can see Alex approaching the studio’s entrance, oblivious that he’s being observed. The pang in his heart for the past years, and days, has come back, but he pays no need to it anymore and, instead, looks at Zijun.

“Take it from someone who knows,” he says, and Zijun looks at him. “Sometimes, people come into our lives not to stay. They come to just leave, but they leave you with a lesson.”

Zijun blinks at him. “A lesson?” she asks.

“A lesson that will hurt you,” Denis continues, and he reaches for Zijun’s hand. “But that’s up to you, if you’ll let them kill all that’s good in you. Or you take the pain and tell yourself that you can do this, that they’ve hurt you, but they didn’t kill you.” He mentally laughs; how he wish he knew this back then.

“Who knows?” he continues. “You two can work it out.” He squeezes Zijun’s hand when the girl smiles. “But this time, you have to promise yourself that the next time you fall in love, it shouldn’t be that painful.”

Zijun nods and moves forward to give him a quick hug and a “Thank you.” Somehow, Denis can see his younger self in Zijun, both wide-eyed and in love, only to end up broken. He hopes that, this time around, Zijun can come back from this stronger.

And Denis hopes, for himself, that he can learn to be strong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zijun and Michael went to a separate room before the start of rehearsals. Denis assumes it went well because the two were all smiles and holding hands by the time they arrive. At least, he’s assured that everything will go well for the young couple. Rehearsals go smoothly. Michael and Zijun sing differently than they did in their first meeting, a better kind of different, and Yuna and Daisuke were nodding in approval in the background.

“Good job!” Denis says, letting Zijun and Michael pull him in a hug. “See how much emotion in the song makes a difference?”

“Thank you so much,” Michael tells him. “We’re so excited for the reunion concert.”

Admittedly, Denis is, too. This will be his first appearance since stepping out of the spotlight. Ever since he signed up for this, he had always wondered if he’ll be able to fit in again. Now, it feels like all worries have been erased.

Well … He looks at Alex, who is now fixing his things … Not _all_ worries …

He takes a deep breath and a step forward until he’s a foot away from Alex. “Alex?” he starts, a little hesitantly.

Alex looks up, and his eyes widen. He looks a little guarded, but given Denis’ previous outburst, Denis can’t really blame him. “… Yeah?”

“Can we go out for coffee?”

Alex blinks and looks to the left and right before asking. “You wanna go out for coffee with me?” he asks, as if to be absolutely sure.

“Yeah, you,” Denis says with a smile. “It’s not like I’m asking _them_ out.” He gestures with his head towards Maia, Josh, and Daisuke, who pretend to not overhear their conversation.

Alex laughs at that, and Denis can see his shoulders relax. “Of course.”

Denis, too, relaxes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They find a quiet café on the farthest side of the area, and Denis finds out that Alex isn’t into espresso shots anymore. They ditch hanging out in the café, and Denis gives Alex directions to drive further until they’re in that familiar spot. Years later, they’re back in that small patch of land, in that gazebo towards the end of the cliff. Night is close to falling, and the highway lights cast dim shadows on them as they take a seat.

“Sure brings back memories,” Alex remarks as he stretches, setting his cup of coffee on the gazebo railings.

“Didn’t we say that we’ll go here even if we’re famous?” Denis says, smiling at the memory.

Alex nods. “Yeah, but we’re has-beens now.” He smiles when Denis laughs at the remark.

Denis looks out into the view and remembers that moment a few years ago, with Alex’s arms around him. The thought of being with his ex-boyfriend in his special place would stress him out, but the effect turns out to be the opposite. Denis finds himself relaxing; all the worries of life felt like miles away.

Sometime through the silence, they talked. Alex talked about the frustrations and the feelings of failure he had when they started brainstorming for the second album, how he felt inferior to Denis through the latter part of the career, how he went with Madison’s flirting in a fit of jealousy, how he regretted everything afterwards, how he tried to move on but nothing’s the same without Denis. “My last song for you was immortalized in that CD I ended up giving Caro,” he says with a bitter smile. “Since then, nothing’s been the same.”

“I listened to it last night,” Denis says, his eyes on the view. “I was still so mad at you for ruining my life, crushing my dreams. At the same time, I still had feelings for you.” When he gazes at Alex, the older one’s eyes are wide. “The point is, I was stuck in the past. Listening to your song last night made me sure of what I feel now.”

“Which is …?” Alex looks at him hopefully.

Denis feels his heart racing, and he takes Alex’s hand. “I love you, Alex,” he says with a sigh. “But I realized that when we were together, and in Outside Edge, my life basically revolved around loving you. Sure, I was doing what I loved to do, but it was still within us. And right now, all I want to do is to fall in love with music again.”

He notices Alex’s face fall; he must have been expecting a different answer. But, instead, he says, “I saw you hold your guitar again in the first day of rehearsals. I saw how you came to life, just like the first time I heard you sing.”

“And I want to be like that again,” Denis says, squeezing Alex’s hand. “Can you accept that?”

“I’m gonna admit, it’s not gonna be easy.” Alex sighs. “But that’s definitely better than having a desk job.”

“Ugh, yes!” Denis says a little too eagerly, and they share a laugh.

Night has fallen, and even the highway lights are making the view impossible to see; they decide to head home. Denis lets go of Alex’s hand as soon as they hop in the car, and the silence is now less awkward than it has been the past few weeks.

Alex focuses his view on the road, and Denis on the view. Music starts playing in the car, and Denis realizes the songs are unusual for Alex to listen, too, until everything clicks.

Madonna’s _Sorry_. Lloyd Bank’s _I Don’t Deserve You_. And the songs from The Neighborhood’s album, _I Love You_.

_Sorry. I don’t deserve you. I love you._

When the car stops at the traffic light, Denis finds his hand on Alex’s once more. When the older one gazes at him in confusion, Denis just smiles, and mouths, “ _I forgive you._ ”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Time flies fast, and the next thing they knew, it was time for the reunion concert. Denis had peeked at the audience from backstage and was surprised at the number of people. He had initially thought all of them came for Michael and Zijun, but he could see familiar faces from their gigs those past years. “So people still remember us,” he says, a smile on his face.

“You were never forgotten,” Daisuke tells him, a hand around his shoulders. “That’s the best thing about music, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Denis nods. “Music will live on, even without us.”

Daisuke nods, too, before grinning and locking Denis in a noogie. “So I heard about you applying for Juilliard. How was it?”

Word sure spreads fast, but then again, Denis should be used to it. Yuna had brought it up as soon as rehearsals wrapped up. They had a talk about Denis’ future, and Denis brought up he wanted to pursue music again. Yuna had spoken of connections and making a recommendation for him for a scholarship, and Denis just decided to go for it. Even when he’s been in the industry for a while, he realized there’s still a lot to learn about it. And he can’t wait to discover everything there is to discover.

Denis shrugs. “Yuna said that if everything goes well, I can fly to New York by August. I’ll most likely be there for a year or two.”

“Well, good for you. Everyone’s excited to have you back.” Daisuke pats him on the back. “We’re starting in a bit. Get ready for your comeback, Denis.”

“I will.” Denis takes one last look at the audience from backstage before turning around to get ready. In the process, he collides with someone, and he’s quick to blurt out a “Sorry!”

“Sorry,” the person says simultaneously. It turns out to be Alex, drumsticks already in hand. “Hey, ready for your comeback stage?”

“I’m kinda nervous,” Denis says, wriggling his hands as if it can get rid of the nerves. “I haven’t performed live since … ever.”

“I’m pretty sure you’ll go out there and perform like you never left.”

Denis feels his face heat up. “You have too much faith in me,” he says as he swats Alex in the arm. These days, they’ve somehow rekindled the closeness that they have. Sometimes, it’s still awkward, but at least they’re not after each other’s throats. Or, at least, Denis isn’t.

“So …” Alex looks around before scratching the back of his head. “I’ve heard about Juilliard. Congratulations.”

“It’s still not set in stone, but I’m pretty positive about it.”

“I’m sure you’ll get in. You’re the smartest, most passionate person I’ve ever known.”

“Is it hot in here, or is it just me?” Denis asks, patting his cheeks so he can calm down, and it didn’t help that Alex is laughing.

“It’s true! And if you need any help with living the American life, we’re just a video call away, me and Maia. We know what it’s like.”

“Of course.” Denis smiles. “I’ll be waking you up in the wee hours of the morning just to ask where the best food is in the area.”

“You know me, I’ll be willing to wake up in the wee hours of the morning just for you.” He clears his throat when Denis raises an eyebrow. “Sorry, old habits die hard.”

Denis forgives him. His feelings, too, are sometimes yo-yoing between reciprocating Alex’s flirting and restraining himself. Still, at least he can still see the two of them, maybe in a couple of years, making music together like they used to. And maybe, things won’t be so complicated anymore. Denis would like to believe that.

“Hey, you two!” Maia pipes up from behind them, with Josh already with his guitar in hand. “Ready to jam one more time?”

He feels Alex’s hand on his shoulder, and he doesn’t shrug it away. “Ready.”

And together, they walk out to the stage, to the roaring crowd.

 

-End-

**Author's Note:**

> \- The fic is inspired by the movie _The Breakup Playlist_. I tried writing something different from the movie, but the plot is more or less the same.  
>  \- This fic has been in my drafts for a very long time, and I’m happy to have it out before the year ends! ^^  
> \- Many thanks to @caramiro and @foldedpapertowels for being my constant companions who like to scream in my GDocs. <3  
> \- The lyrics of the following songs have been used in the fic:  
> * Title: _The River_ by PJ Harvey  
>  * Track 01: _Your Wildest Dreams_ by Moody Blues  
>  * Track 02: _Love At First Sight_ by Kylie Minogue  
>  * Track 03: _Always_ by Bon Jovi  
>  * Track 04: _Don’t Speak_ by No Doubt  
>  * Track 05: _There Goes The Fear_ by Doves


End file.
